Ageless-Sages

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Check out the Lavender Ladies virtual book tour!

No Comments »

There is a perception that many people share about nursing homes: It’s a place people go to die.

Granted, a nursing home is often the last residence many people have before their transition to what lies beyond,  however it does not have to be all gloom and doom and avoided by the family members whose presence has the potential to be more beneficial than ever before.

And when we retain the above framework, it’s no wonder we avoid our elders.  Instead of seeing this as just another developmental stage, we see it as heavy and significant.  We have feelings of regret and guilt.  We feel overburdened, not because there aren’t enough hours in a day, but because we are at a loss as to how to process and navigate through this time of life.

People, snap out of it!  It’s time for a major reframe. Get your head out of the ‘poor me’ paradigm, start taking care of yourself and learn to detach from the emotions, opinions, actions of others.  It’s the only way you can fully be there for someone, the only way you can fully engage in life.  If “detaching” and “fully engage in life” seem mutually exclusive, I invite you to examine just what it means.

When you detach from the emotions, opinions and actions of others you are 100% free to be there for them!  Resentment and feelings of obligation cannot exist in detachment.  Instead, an empowering responsibility and desire to assist emerges based on your true nature of compassion and love.

Start right now with a simple affirmation: I am a strong and powerful being who accepts things as they are, knowing the power to improve them is within me.

It may sound like a colossal leap, however with the proper understanding and progression of steps towards that end, it is not only possible, but those people who seem happy and have it together all the time will make more sense.  You’ll be one of them!  And you’ll feel excited to visit your elders and realize that this time of life is not just a holding tank to death.  It’s as precious, as vibrant and full of discovery as any other.

No Comments »

Today I read two accounts of people whose parents passed away and left them a legacy of guilt. Linda Kriger writes of the lifelong effects parenting has on a soul as David Solie concurs in his blog.

After several years of reading research related to the subconscious mind, selective memory and the unique perceptions we each bring to any given event, I have to wonder if the suffering we do in the name of guilt is even necessary.  If particles are only tendencies, as Quantum theory asserts, wouldn’t it make sense to rewrite our history in a way that serves, rather than severs?

In his book How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success, John Gray leads us through a writing process that can heal the deepest of wounds with the people in our lives who we let hurt us the most.  The process makes sense when we recognize that our memories may not be 100% accurate, or that we are the only ones responsible for getting our needs met, or that we would rather live a life of joy than desperation.

Did our parents make mistakes?  Of course.  Can they make our lives a living hell?  Not really.  That’s up to you.

2 Comments »

Joan Anderson’s books were suggested to me by two different people, two days in a row. I take things like that as a sign that I being guided towards something.

Today I stopped by my town library and picked up her first two publications, A Year by the Sea and An Unfinished Marriage.  Immediately, I had a sense that the time I spend with elders is to be observed more closely, more profoundly, with more discernment. What are the lessons I’m extracting from my “Year with Elders”?

It’s easy.  It’s so easy to be with elders, even when it’s clearly not.  There is a grace and simplicity that draws me in, warms me up, thrills my soul.  The desire to see, touch, hear, connect is so strong I wonder why more people aren’t allowing themselves time to luxuriate in the accumulated experience of these loved ones.

What can I say or do to express the primal satisfaction one can experience by simply being in the presence of such reverence?  Or have I just lost my mind?

No Comments »

Having “the talk” with elders.

http://bulletin.aarp.org/yourworld/family/articles/rules_of_engagement_boomers_prepare_for_the_talk_.html

No Comments »

Ah, the freedom I see in the faces of my friends at the nursing home when they have no other choice but to be in the present moment.  In fact, it’s only when this capacity dimishes and more, what we’d call lucidy, comes forth do I notice a shift in the peace and happiness they were feeling.

The lessons we can take away from this interesting, misunderstood, un-understood state of being are not insignificant.  As we live in an era where consciousness is regarded as key to our bliss, imagine how fully conscious one must be within the world of dementia.  Sounds oxymoronic, yet the call the live in the now, in the present really does invite us to move out of the past, not be concerned with a future that never comes.

My mother rarely visits the past or future anymore and her sense of freedom, peace, contenment, is palpable.  Yet we often approach people with dementia with a great deal of sadness, fear and pity.

Why?

No, really, I’m asking you, why?

My guess is it has more to do with OUR inability to be present, our remembrance of past pain and our concern of future troubles.  Yet right here, right now, everything is perfect.  Just like my mother.  Just like dementia.

No Comments »

When I was a little girl I had a great aunt who kinda freaked me out. Although there was something I really liked about her (jovial, warm, inviting), her body emitted an unpleasant odor and her skin had a vaporous quality. I recall that she was close to 100 years old, which in and of itself made the 5 year old me a bit uneasy. Fear overruled curiosity and I’d hold my breath and pray that we would leave soon.

In those days a gentle introduction about what I might encounter was replaced with the expectation that by the very nature of exposure and, of course, my own good manners, I would at least marginally cope with the situation. I didn’t.

However I have to wonder if a positive result was the ultimate outcome since these days my company of choice is elders. The translucent skin, the scent of aging, pales in contrast to the wisdom the fun and the freedom that I sense is part of this developmental stage. These teachers are helping me to understand the meaning of life through rich, rewarding, incomparable lessons on life, love and be-ing.

I’m planning on sharing these lessons and in order to approach it from the most pertinent viewpoint, I’d like to ask you what challenges you have faced or currently face. Do you avoid being with your parents, grandparents, other elders who are at the stage of life that isn’t featured in fashion magazines? Do you have difficulty knowing what to say or do? Do you find reasons for not visiting? Too busy, too far away, too……..?

As I observe and question family members it’s evident that this is uncharted territory. We revert to what we know while dealing with a stage we know nothing about. For many, it’s uncomfortable and unsettling. There’s a lot of guilt for not doing more and frustration for now knowing what that “more” might be.

We have a wonderful opportunity to enhance this time of life for all involved! Won’t you share your experiences?

No Comments »

As those of us the coaching profession already know (why else would we enter the profession?), happiness = better health .

And one of the ways to happiness is becoming aware of your less than positive habits, particularly your thoughts and speaking traits.

Why am I bringing this up at Ageless-Sages?  Because if you make it a habit of being happy, commit to cleaning up your conversations and surround yourself with the people and things that support that mission, you are far more likely to enjoy the time you spend with your elders.  It’s true, it’s true.  In fact, you’re more apt to enjoy, accept, embrace ALL of your relationships.  Tall order?   Not really.

Consider all the examples out in the world who can substantiate that theory.  Louise Hay is a great person to start with.  She is the Grandmother of positive affirmations and her life is living proof that we are what we think.   Then there’s Esther and Jerry Hicks who, through Esther’s channeling of the metaphysical teachers who call themselves Abraham,  had this to say:

What makes people decline is that they start forking in the direction that doesn’t allow them to be the receivers of this never-ending Stream of Well- Being. You don’t have to decline… “Happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, dead!” That’s Esther’s plan…

If you’re interested in being happier, may I suggest starting with the words you use?  Yvonne Oswald has a great book called Every Word Has Power that gives actionable examples to cleaning up your way of communicating.

And when you begin to notice that you feel better because you’re allow the flow of more positive emotions, you can’t help but see your relationship with your elders venture into more positive areas as well.

No Comments »

After spending several days hanging out with my 89 yr. old mother, she was quite pooped and in a deep sleep when I arrived at the nursing home the next morning.  My sister, Sharon and I checked in on her periodically.  Later in the morning, Sharon announced that mom was awake, and hadn’t any idea who Sharon was.   “She’s excited to get to know me better,” she smiled.

We’re getting more accustomed to our mother venturing to different parts of her consciousness, and in fact find it quite delightful at times.  We have the opportunity to see her how strangers might, and it never ceases to amaze me how welcoming she is, and how down right comfortable she is in her own skin, whether or not she remembers ever seeing the people around her at a previous time.

I approached her room, wondering if, since I’d been with her all week, she’d know me.
As we stood in the washroom to clean her up from the previous night’s slumber, she began to make small talk.

“Have you worked here a long time?” she asked.

I explained that I wasn’t an employee, and she commented on how nice it was of me to help her.

“I have sometime to tell you that I think you’ll get a kick out of!” She looked at me expectantly.
“We’re related!”

This excited her and she responded with, “We are?  Well isn’t that great!”

No other explanation was needed, no further details of how the bloodline connected us.

People are sometimes baffled by my ability to be so at peace with my mother’s current way of being.
As a coach, I am very aware of the concerns and fears that accompany aging parent care.  As a human being, I can relate to how sad it sometimes feels and that a well placed cry is what’s needed to get to the next level.  As a daughter and a mother, I know how crucial the connection to one another is, no matter what stage of development one is in.

What tends to hold us back, in any relationship, is not wanting to feel the pain or look at ourselves in a way that might reveal the things about ourselves we least want to see.  On both counts, we do ourselves a great disservice.  For starters, by continuing to push the pain away, it never has the opportunity to be processed out of our bodies.  It’s true. By avoiding the pain, we end up being faced with it time and again.
On another note, there is nothing so awful about yourself that you cannot face.  Again, by not looking at it straight on, it is likely to just grow and grow in your mind and memory until it feels impossible to face.  It’s not.  And the sooner you can take an honest look, the sooner you’ll be able to enrich all of your relationships, especially those most important to you.

There are several ways to sign up for the class called “You 101”.   Books on the subject of personal development abound, there are web sites on growth and enlightenment, there’s Oprah’s Soul Series and Hay House Publishers.  One Spirit book club has lots of book choices for whatever personal growth path you subscribe to.  And one of the best, fastest and most efficient ways is to hire a coach.  Perhaps I’m a little biased because I AM a coach, however the real reason I know this to be one of the best ways to self-actualization is because I HAVE a coach.  In fact, I’ve had several over the years, and I would not be the most authentic “me” that I am today without them.

Whichever method most appeals to you, do yourself a favor and CHOOSE it. Go for it!   Your most important relationships are worth it!  Just ask my mother.

No Comments »