Ageless-Sages

I wrote about this last week, however this is such a rich topic that shows up so frequently in our lives, yet we are scarcely aware of it.

When I was coaching parents and developed the UnParenting Paradigms, I had no idea that what I had really developed were overall relationship paradigms. Parent/Child, Romantic, Elder/Adult Child, Friendship, Student/Teacher, etc. etc.

So here is the paradox of unconditional acceptance:

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a dear friend, Camille, who’s mother is exhibiting more and more signs of dementia.  It’s not a secret that there are behaviors her mother has had for years, unrelated to dementia, that my friend has never been able to accept. Camille will complain about her mother time and again and it seems to intensify as her mom gets older. Possibly because the behaviors are more pronounced, or perhaps Camille cannot believe that, after all these years, her mother can still behave this way, or maybe it’s noticing the lost opportunities to experience her mother in a different way.

Ok, still with me?

Would you say she is accepting her mother?  No, obviously there is something that is preventing her from full acceptance, no doubt something that was imprinted years ago. Possibly something in her mother’s behavior triggers something within herself that she doesn’t feel all that great about, but that’s another story. And I’m a coach, not an analyst, so I’ll stay away from that.

(I’m about to reveal one of the paradoxes.)

All the while I’m listening to her story of who her mother is, how it affects her and why she wants it to be different, I’m posing questions and invitations to look at it another way, and….. I’m not accepting Camille! Oh sure, as her friend I am hoping to offer alternative perspectives that allow her to reflect; HOWEVER, at some point I realize I am judging her and her behavior. How do I know I’m being  judgmental? Because I hear my thoughts say “Oh, if only she would let go of those preconceived notions she has of her mother and be more present with her.”

So I ask you, is that accepting?

No.

Does it mean I can’t offer some suggestions or point out some observations?

No.

It’s all in the underlying motivation.  Why would I offer suggestions or make observations?  Is it because she expressed an interest or desire to shift her perspective,  or is it because I have not learned to accept that she feels this way about her mother?

I found this revelation so fascinating and exciting because the more I accept people for who they are and for the path they are on, the less I am bogged down.  Make no mistake, judgmental thinking bogs you down.  It clutters your mind with “I know-s” and “If only-s”.  It leaves little room for possibility and peace.

So if possibility and peace appeal to you, begin to take note of the conversation you’re having, out loud or in your head, with others. When you find something that you recognize as non-acceptance, see if you can pause, acknowledge it and let it go. Simply state to yourself, as if you’ve just discovered something new, “Oh! Karen pays her bills late and is ok with it!” And let it be. You might not be comfortable paying your bills late, and that’s fine, too. But Karen doesn’t have to be made wrong or bad because of her choices.

Ann Landers said it simply and directly. MYOB.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

It really threw me. Having grown accustomed to the comings and imminent goings of the friends I’ve made in the nursing home where my mother resides, the reaction I had to Lilah’s stroke was unexpected.

There are some things that transcend explanation in this life, and this might be one of them. However, learning how to accept within ourselves these very reactions can be the beginning of a lovely journey of feeling all the richness life has to offer.

There are specific questions you can ask yourself when you feel the tug of heartstrings. The kind of tug that affirms your humaness or helps guide your intuition into how to respond, the kind of tug I felt with Lilah.

The most basic question to consider, before the tug turns into a full blown “pull you down into the drama” clutch, asks about the underlying fear you have.  “What”, you might ask, “am I fearing will happen to me?”.

This may sound narcissistic and self-absorbed, however the answer to that question is what often stops us in our tracks.  And do you want to know what the answer is?

At the very core of that question, after going through the list of I’m afraids (which might look something like this):

I’m afraid it will happen to someone close to me.
I’m afraid it will create more work for me.
I’m afraid it will cause some I love distress.
I’m afraid it will cause me distress.
I’m afraid it will change things forever.

etc. etc.

is this:

I’m afraid of what I am going to feel.

The really interesting thing about feelings (as opposed to emotions) is that the denying of then is the very thing that can put you in the state of severe emotional discomfort.

Feeling the sensation that accompanies the emotion is the simplest yet most powerful tool we have in dealing with our stress.

The beauty of this, is that once you learn how to do this effectively, you will be able to be the support you envision yourself to be with your aging parents.

If you want to know more, let me know.  I’ll hook you  up.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

This is a tough one. I just read an article about siblings who have very different responses to their mother going through the changes that Alzheimer’s brings.

One is ultra attentive, another won’t visit.

Is one the more appropriate response?

At first blush it’s tempting to say that the attentive sibling is doing the ‘right’ thing. However, if we go past the surface, not to the psyche, but to the soul, we may better understand or allow people to do what they need to do.

The siblings in this scenario are exercising their choices.  And the areas of choice abound: To go or not to go. To accept the other’s decision or not to accept the other’s decision. To feel good about the choice or feel bad about the choice.  To allow what other’s think influence my actions or not. Etc. etc.

What if you’re the attentive sibling?  Are  you going to choose to feel resentment, or will compassion for the sibling who is not attentive prevail? Are you going to choose to shift your feelings about your sibling, and if so, to a more negative or a more positive view?

What if you’re the sibling who isn’t visiting mom? Are you going to honor your feelings, or be eaten away by guilt? Are you going to avoid addressing it or stand up for your decision? Will  you feel appreciation for your sibling or bitterness?

What if you’re the mom? Since people with Alzheimer’s reside in a mysterious place, I won’t pretend to know what choices exist, however I trust  life enough to believe it would not leave us totally choice-less!

For today, or this minute or this nano-second, accept that others do what they do. Don’t analyze why, don’t put a right or wrong or good or bad label on it, don’t even try to understand it.  Just accept that this IS.

Next lesson: Now what? We’ll explore that further on. For now, get used to accepting.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

Any information we can gather that will help us understand the later developmental stages of life are helpful.

A recent study suggests that as we get older, our brain finds ways of adapting to negative influences.  http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/healthday/2008/12/16/brain-adjusts-to-cope-with-lifes-upsets.html

Spend time with elders and you’ll agree with the study. Information is processed differently at 70 vs. 80 vs. 90. Spend time with people of a variety of  stages of development and you’ll find that, in addition to individual uniqueness, there is a pattern of developmental uniqueness that emerges as well.

When you’re 5, for instance, the way you process data is a great deal different from when you’re 10. Or 20. Or 30…you get the idea.

I’m pleased to see this information being circulated because anything we can learn that will promote better understanding is wonderful.

In fact, so much can shift in your perception, in the way you feel about your relationship with your elders by simply knowing some of the realities of development, that you might find a lot of the stress and heaviness you experience kind of melts away.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

Receive your free gifts from Ageless-Sages by clicking here: Holiday Cheer

 

 Choice: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

This is not a medical assessment.

This is not even based on hard, scientific evidence.

These are real-life experiences I’ve had over the past two and a half years while observing the very mysterious condition called dementia.  My mother has taught me to love it, her resident neighbors have taught me of its inherent wonder.

Today I had the pleasure of hanging out with Cookie, the mother of a dear friend of mine.  Cookie is 81, in fabulous physical health (last year she banged through a bout of breast cancer like nobody’s business) and living independently in a senior housing facility.  Her mind travels in and out the past to the present. The interesting thing about dementia is that is seems to be devoid of future.  There are no projections.  In fact, we think of dementia as being “forgetful”, yet projecting the future is what appears to be least available.

In the beginning stages, at least.  As it progresses, the past becomes more obscure and presence alone is where it’s at.

Of course the concern about not being able to project is safety and quality of life.  Will Cookie remember to lock her doors?  Will she go for a walk and not know where she is?  Will she remember that the Holiday sing a-long is at 4:00 today, the one she enjoyed so last year?

How important this is to the individual is questionable, but it’s very important to those of us who have a stronger understanding of left-brain importance in our daily lives. Jill Bolte Taylor’s book, My Stroke of Insight, tells in great personal detail, why and when we need out left brain to function adequately.  Unless, I suppose, it doesn’t.

Does my mother seem happier when she is cajoled into activities that she would not attend on her own? Yes, sometimes. Is she unhappy not doing them?  No, she doesn’t seem to be.  Other than we do know from an anthropological point of view that socializing is an important component for homo-sapiens, how much intervention is enough? How much becomes interference in one’s personal path?

When we can remember that it’s our own discomfort that compels us to worry and fret and do and over-do, we can take a step back and see this phase and the people in it for what it is.  A phase of life. A very misunderstood or UN-understood phase of life that we really have no way of knowing how to best approach.

As with anything that causes emotional charges for you, I suggest addressing your own discomfort, dealing with your own demons, then letting your inner guidance show you the way.  You might also rely on a like-minded friend, hire a coach, or keep a journal of your reactions.  When you do, you’ll find the way is less stressful, more joyful and far easier than it’s been.

Cookie will need more assistance as time goes on, as will her daughters who are fearful of what lies ahead.  If only they could experience the part of dementia that doesn’t project!

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

The AARP has this on their site:   (Click here to get the planner)

By providing your email address below, we provide you with our free guide, Time to Talk: Help Your Family Prepare to Care.

In this handy guide you will learn:

• How to create your own personal checklist and plan of action;
• How to determine your big-picture future needs — housing, medical, legal and financial;
• What critical pieces of personal information you need to gather and document now; and
• Where you and your family can turn to for additional resources and assistance.

The AARP Foundation is proud to be able to offer this valuable resource free of charge to you. We hope you find it useful.  We will also send you our monthly E-Newsletter, To Serve, to keep you informed on the latest program news.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

Validation: A short film /     Click here

Keep in mind as you watch this that we have great power.  But if we become attached to that power, it can have a downward spiraling effect.

It’s wise to find a way to detach from outcomes.  This film isn’t about elders, however this blog is so I’ll make the correlation.

When we are attached to our elders set of circumstances being a particular way, we suffer.  When we can detach and observe and trust and just BE, we find joy.

Enjoy the film then go forth and enjoy.  Don’t let what happens to Mr. Validation mid-way happen to you!

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

In meditation this morning I began visualizing all the incredible people I’ve spent time with the past couple of years at UHC.  As my mind traced each face I longed to be there, knowing how I can elevate my mood with each person.

I:
Joke with Molly
Sing with Neil
Get silly with my mother
Dance for Rose
Converse with Myrna
Flirt with Bob
Ret wild with Anna (The self-proclaimed Wild Adirondack Woman)
read with Mac
Listen to Lilah
Look into Audrey’s eyes
Small talk with Myrtle
Read Lavender Ladies to Cora
Talk parenting with Kate
Emote with Doris
Make Junior’s day with my Mae West impression
Help Helen feel heard
Admire Alma’s grace

and on and on it goes. I have more friends than Carter’s has pills.

And I fondly remember
Flo, our adopted mother who outlived her husband and kids
Paul, who loved my mother for 26 years
Keitha, who kept things organized,
Sally, whose personal pain was palpable
Kay who was fine fine fine
MaryAnn who wanted nothing more than to be respected
Rainbow who kept things hopping
Anna, to whom I read mysteries
Helen B. who fed her doll real food
Harold who loved kitties
Evelyn who always thanked us profusely for entertaining her
Alec, who moved to Tennessee
Roy, who loved to dance
Al, who was my chicken wings and beer partner

The list goes on. This is, bar none, one of the richest times of my life.

Thank you.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights

You’ve got a computer, a printer and a word processing or power point program, right?

Printing out signs with a few words of wellness and posting them within reading view of your elder (and yourself!) can do wonders.

Suggestions:
My health and vitality increase everyday
I am healthy and energetic
I feel awake, alert and awesome!

You get the idea. My sister surrounded my 89yr. old mother with these signs, after her doctor suggested we might want to alert Hospice since she was not responding to the antibiotics for pneumonia. That was in June. Check out a few earlier posts to see how she’s doing (she’s Fern, the lady on the left). I’m convinced, for a variety of reasons, this was a large part of her remarkable recovery.

Share on Facebook

Elder Insights