Ageless-Sages

Much is written about changing beliefs, having a choice in the way you see things, flipping from negative to positive.

I support much that is written! What I hear from people, though, is how does one apply these principles to specific areas of their lives?

Q . When you are with someone who has been there for you as a care giver, a support system, loving guidance, how do you shift into accepting their aging process, their changing brain, the fact that you now provide much of their care, support and loving guidance?

A. The same way you eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

This doesn’t mean it has to take a long time (if you’re really hungry, that elephant will get eaten more quickly!), what it does mean is that first you determine what is the most important part for you to first approach, or which part of the elephant do you want to consume first?

Our culture is moving away from a mainstream, prescriptive way of living a life and into individuation. This is lovely, as many examples of people who follow their passions, travel the path that feels right to them,and/or listen to their own inner guidance over what others advise, living happier, more fulfilled lives.

So shall we apply this to some specifics?

My mother began showing signs of dementia when she and her husband were still living in their house independently. Mainstream wisdom told me to rush in and advocate, get services to help, be sad, wring my hands and know that “the worst is yet to come”. And since I had siblings, it was going to be difficult to agree on things, so look out!

I tried that. I didn’t like it. Advocating was more like taking over. Being sad prevented me from seeing this phase as precious as any other. Assuming it would only get worse kept me in worry and fear unable to honor the process of life. Questioning the decisions of my involved sisters created tension, built walls and generally kept us each in an “I’m right-er than you” frame of mind.

So I decided to have a conversation with myself and ask some questions.

What is important to you, Natalie?
If you didn’t have outside influences telling you what is or isn’t appropriate, how would see this differently?
Are you honoring your intuition?
What are your beliefs about the cycle of life?

The flipping part became a natural by-product of me getting in touch with and fully trusting my own, unique was of seeing life. When I honored myself it was easy to honor others and their points of view.

It’s hasn’t always been comfortable or convenient to listen to my inner guidance, however once I got in touch with what my inner guidance really felt like and looked like, I can tell you, it has never let me down.

How can I be so sure? I have a memory like an elephant.

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Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

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Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

15 hours after Afton was born, Grandma Fern   held her for a very long time. Didn’t remember the next day, however made the connection that Afton rhymes with her brother’s name, Grafton. No one else made that connection. Love that dementia! It’s truly awesome!

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Elder Insights

It’s surely tempting to read a study, a blog post, an opinion, a case study and base how you act on the content. We do it all the time. “Is what I’m saying appropriate?”  “Is that PC?”  “Will this offend someone?”

Indeed, those are ok questions to ponder if you’re not sure and want to do what feels best. However when we consider what other people deem appropriate and ignore our own inner guidance,  our ability to be in touch with our intuition and connect meaningfully with others is compromised.

In the news again today was an article addressing “elderspeak”, the use of a condescending tone or words to communicate with senior citizens. This has been popping up since the New York Times ran an article referencing a Yale study that concluded speaking this way to elders can effect health.

OK, grain-of-salt, perspective time here. I get it. Of course I do, as a forerunner in my field on the topic of respectful communication. I’ve been promoting it for years with parents communicating to kids, teachers to students, leaders to their constituents, spouse to spouse, the list is endless.

But is taking a concept such as this, with as much validity as it may have, and negating your own common sense is what all-too-often happens. And what it the cost of that? Being even more removed from forming a relationship because of your hyper focus on what is or is not deemed appropriate.

I could find no evidence in the study as to the benefits of terms of endearment, of which I have seen many. I think a more useful suggestion would be to become aware of your habitual responses and speak more from the heart. Teach caregivers strategies for making connections with the people with whom they are in contact and know that the appropriate sentiment for the occassion will likey arise.

Since this study has been making the rounds, I’ve been glanced at askew more than once. When I hold Lilah’s hand and ask “Is there anything you need, darlin’?” her eye contact and mustering of a smile tells me she values our friendship, nicknames and all. When I call Rose my beautiful blossom she lights up and fills a room with her smile. When call Helen “sweetness” and stroke her face, this has a positive effect on her health, of that I have no doubt. On the other hand, when I speak with Ruth it’s obvious that lovey dovey is not her style. She prefers to be called by her first name. Mr. Livingston prefers a more formal interaction and Bob loves to flirt. And the time I spend with these friends is not paramount! This is visiting time for me within the realm of my career and personal life. Connecting from the heart does not require more time. In fact, I can probably get away with spending less time, because the loving energy I leave lingers beyond the physical interaction.

So take any and all information (even this post!) for what it’s worth to YOU. Don’t get caught up in rules that, when it comes down it, are all pretty arbitrary in the first place. Lead with your heart, listen with love and become familiar with what it’s like to connect, really connect with someone.

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Elder Insights elderly, elders, elderspeak