Ageless-Sages

Too often, much of what is being communicated by our elder parents and friends is misinterpreted by those not listening with the understanding of the elder developmental stage. Many a chasm has been created in a relationship because one fails to understand the other, and this time of life is no exception.

Having spent time coaching nurses in nursing homes, I’ve had the opportunity to interact with people who are in this latter phase of their earthly existence. What I’ve discovered has surprised and delighted me, as well as assisted me in navigating these waters within my own family.

Although most of us are aware that cognitive ability and memory undergo drastic changes at this time of life, there appears to be a lack of understanding family members and caregivers exhibit. However, upon further observation, it appears that people have a very difficult time accepting that their elder relatives or friends are not “who they used to be”. Since this can be said of anyone at any developmental phase of life (does that 10 year old resemble the 5 year old they once were?), it stands to reason that we simply need to become more educated in the arena of developmental stages.

I’m discovering that this is a phenomenally precious stage, and if we can check in with our own growth, we can learn to love this stage as well as those we have too long considered “prime”. It’s all prime, folks!

©2010 Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC‐CC
Founder, Ageless‐Sages.com, Picture Books for Elders™

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Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

Conversation Starters With Elders Which Encourage Connection

The elder developmental stage of life has as many specificities as any other stage, however if you’re not past 80, it can be difficult to understand. Just as my 22 and 24 yr. old daughters can’t fully understand the decisions her 52 yr. old mother makes, we don’t always see the wisdom in the choices of our older counterparts.

It’s first important to understand that the aging brain processes things differently than it did when it was younger. In fact, there are things the older brain can process that a younger brain simply cannot. Elders have the edge on grasping the big picture and seeing life from a broader perspective. And since I’m not 80, I have no idea what that looks like, however my research has helped me compile these ideas for conversation.

Starting with direct questions can sometimes be inhibiting. Unless you’re sure the topic is something that the person is interested in recalling or exploring, start with statements that can emerge into questions as you go. Indirect questions can also help get a flow of dialogue moving. The point isn’t to get the “right” answers or have the conversation accomplish something specific, other than allowing two beings to connect in a way that honors the experience and wisdom of the elder. The following suggestions are not meant to be spoken verbatim, although some could! They’re designed to get you thinking past the paradigms that you might be attached to at this stage of your life. This is a chance to develop your sensibilities and spirit.

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Elder Insights

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Elder Insights

Personal growth means different things to different people.

Being all you can be might mean pushing the physical limits to some, while to others it has more to do with spiritual pursuits. Still others find academia and intellectual muscle building the path to enlightenment. Emotional growth might be what some see as the ultimate, where others measure growth in business or professional prowess.

Each of us will find our satisfaction in our unique way.

What about elders?  What kinds of personal growth does the 80 plus crowd find rewarding? This, of course, is also as individual as the, well, individual.

My father-in-law, a retired PhD who taught mathematics at Clarkson University in NY for over 35 years, finds that, at 81, he enjoys the subjects he didn’t have as much time for earlier in his life.  He thinks of this a maintenance rather than growth.  His area of growth seems to be in personal relationships.  Having lost his wife two years ago, he has come to value people more than he ever allowed himself to before. He gets emotional, he feels deeply and shares it with his written words in the cards he sends to friends and family. This is big for him. It’s new, it’s intriguing and I have no doubt a little scary.

Some family members are a little baffled and tend towards either avoiding the emotions or poking fun. I’ve invited them, instead, to take on some growth of their own and accept and appreciate where dear old Dad has journeyed to. Besides, he hasn’t abandoned the nightly Sudoku sessions.

My mother, whose dementia often influences her GPS, finds growth in loving. People smile when they see her and she kisses hands and returns their smiles. She has more grace and love of life with each passing day. She sometimes gets scared, too, yet seems to trust the process of life. At 91, she continues to learn new things about people and teaches those who take the time to be in the presence of in her quiet, gentle strength.

We don’t stop growing as long as our heart is still beating.

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Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

The center line of your life, as in tennis, is a moving target.  And when you’ve come to the point in your life that your parents need you more than you need them (if that’s possible!), that center line shifts on a daily basis.

Whether you parents live independently in their own home (my father-in-law) or a nursing community (my mother) or assisted living (my mother and step-father before my step-father’s passing) or with you (have not had that personal experience but have clients that have), the number one challenge is feeling that you are serving them in the most appropriate way possible.

This is an area we cannot  approach from the advantage of experience.  We’ve never been 80 or 90 or 100.  We can’t benefit from our own frames of reference.

Several years ago,  I shared with my father-in-law the challenges I was having with my parents who were approaching what I thought was a critical stage that needed intervention, the sooner the better.  Of course, my father-in-law recognized that my concern also included him, as his circumstances were changing and he was not too far behind them age wise. “What I can tell you”,  he began, “is that you will know what to do when the time is right to do it. If you are second guessing yourself, or unsure of the answer, then it is best to let it go and wait for a time when there is no doubt.” This was the best advise I’d ever been given, and not just where my parents were concerned!

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Elder Insights

There is an art to listening. Some people are natural listening artists, other aquire the skill through understanding and practice.

Byron Katie, a favorite author/philosopher of mine, said it best when talking about it in parenting context, however it can applied to any situation:  When I became quiet, they could hear themselves.

One of the ways to expand your comfort zone with elders is to forget what you know and just listen. If it’s a litany of complaints, just listen. Listen with love, listen with compassion, listen as if you were instructing someone how to listen to you.

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Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

I’m going to try this in my Mother’s room.  When she had restful sleep, she is much more communicative, which helps us to know what she needs!

http://www.worldhealth.net/news/jasmine_found_to_encourage_restful_sleep/

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The Bright Side