“You’ve had experience with this”, the host implied admiringly when I engaged his elder mother in conversation at his party.  I’m often noted for my interaction with elders,  indicating it might be uncommon and perhaps acquired.

When I began my teaching career in the late 80’s, there was often a similar intonation regarding the way I interacted with children. It inspired me to be a leader for parents who had difficultly communicating with their offspring, not unlike the inspiration I feel  to model behavior for people with  parents who have moved into a developmental stage of greater dependence.  Dependence, badically, on people to treat them with the same understanding it takes with anything worth pursuing.

What exactly was it that I did that prompted this praise? I want to see what he saw, so that I can break it down in a way that is useful for others, as I did for parents many years ago. And although there is nothing formulaic about how any one person is in a relationship, there are some guiding principles that might apply.

So here goes. How I Swept Ingrid Off Her Feet

• I noticed her and greeted her. (You’d be surprised how often elders are disregarded on this very basic level, although this was not the case last night).
• When she repeated a fact about her life, I responded each time as if it were the first time I’d heard it.  (It was evident that she did not recall telling me and I’ve observed that pointing this out to someone whose memory does not categorize like it used to usually frustrates or diminishes, neither of which I set out to do). I’m even able to now recognize that it is the first time I’m hearing it. (Think about it! Each time I hear someone say something, anything, it’s the first time!)
• “Would you mind helping me?” is a question that I asked that she did not seem accustomed to hearing.  Imagine how this one little reframe  created a feeling of empowerment for someone who might be feeling like more of a burden than a contribution.
• I make sure not to overwhelm with other questions.  Now that she was intrigued with me, I followed her lead. I let her guide the conversation and it became obvious what she was interested in and capable of talking about. Children, the spectacular view of Lake Champlain before us,  the color of each other’s eye.
• I kept my mind open to insight.  As a result, I allowed the wisdom and beauty that she offered to enlighten and contribute to my personal growth.

Pretty simple, but as the saying goes, not always easy.

If you find you are less than excited to interact with elders, ask yourself some questions.

• Does something prevent you from allowing the process of conversation to unfold in this manner?
• Is accepting a change in memory difficult for you?
• What scares you about the elder developmental stage?
• Are you willing to reframe the relationship in a way that can ultimately be an enhancement for both of you?

As I rediscovered last night, any initial effort invested dwarfs the outcome by a mile.

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This past weekend, when my daughter and I went to see the opening of Eat, Pray, Love, one of Julia Robert’s lines intoned “I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something”.

We all go through various degrees of marveling. That line reminded me that I had lost some of my zest, my curiosity for life, so I  am taking this week to consciously marvel.

For the love of God, there are so many things right in front of me in which to be in awe!

I’m in awe of my soon to be 91 yr old mother who, in her varying states of dementia, can still bring me to my knees with her insights.

I’m in awe of my 20something daughters, who take life by the tail and don’t compromise their own well being for anything, anyone!

I’m in awe of myself. For the ability to see through the fog and purposefully make my life better and better.

It doesn’t get better than it is in this moment, even when you discover the next moment is better! (Think about it……it makes perfect sense!)

So go forth and marvel. It’s truly life changing!

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Mark Morford

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By the late Basyl H. Tucker, sometime in the early 1970′s:

I saw a boy walk in the place
With hair down to his shoulder
Good Lord, he could be president
Someday when he gets older

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

The girl who came in with him
Was something to be seen
Hair too red, skirt too short,
Her eyes were painted green!

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

And then the played the jukebox
Such noise you would not believe!
How they can listen that stuff
I really can’t conceive

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

Then suddenly it hit me
When I was once their age
There were Tams and Plus Four Knickers
And Zoot Suits were the Rage

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

The girls wore funny things then too
Hair cut short like men
The way we dressed in those day
I don’t want to see again

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

And when we played the jukebox
You couldn’t stand the sound
Of Mairzy Doats the Jersey Bounce
And Music Goes ‘Round and ‘Round

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

So fella’s wear you hair long
And girls your knees don’t hide
For how you wrap the package
Doesn’t tell you what’s inside.

__________________________________

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– Shel Silverstein
From “A Light in the Attic”

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Don’t rush it. Feel the feelings of each “rung” of the EGS ladder that you climb atop and allow it organically unfold.

The Emotional Guidance Scale

From the book “Ask and It is Given”, pg. 114

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Having spent time coaching nurses in nursing homes, I’ve had the opportunity to interact with people who are in this latter phase of their earthly existence. What I’ve discovered has surprised and delighted me, as well as assisted me in navigating these waters within my own family.

Although most of us are aware that cognitive ability and memory undergo drastic changes at this time of life, there appears to be a lack of understanding family members and caregivers exhibit. However, upon further observation, it appears that people have a very difficult time accepting that their elder relatives or friends are not “who they used to be”. Since this can be said of anyone at any developmental phase of life (does that 10 year old resemble the 5 year old they once were?), it stands to reason that we simply need to become more educated in the arena of developmental stages.

I’m discovering that this is a phenomenally precious stage, and if we can check in with our own growth, we can learn to love this stage as well as those we have too long considered “prime”. It’s all prime, folks!

©2010 Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC‐CC
Founder, Ageless‐Sages.com, Picture Books for Elders™

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The elder developmental stage of life has as many specificities as any other stage, however if you’re not past 80, it can be difficult to understand. Just as my 22 and 24 yr. old daughters can’t fully understand the decisions her 52 yr. old mother makes, we don’t always see the wisdom in the choices of our older counterparts.

It’s first important to understand that the aging brain processes things differently than it did when it was younger. In fact, there are things the older brain can process that a younger brain simply cannot. Elders have the edge on grasping the big picture and seeing life from a broader perspective. And since I’m not 80, I have no idea what that looks like, however my research has helped me compile these ideas for conversation.

Starting with direct questions can sometimes be inhibiting. Unless you’re sure the topic is something that the person is interested in recalling or exploring, start with statements that can emerge into questions as you go. Indirect questions can also help get a flow of dialogue moving. The point isn’t to get the “right” answers or have the conversation accomplish something specific, other than allowing two beings to connect in a way that honors the experience and wisdom of the elder. The following suggestions are not meant to be spoken verbatim, although some could! They’re designed to get you thinking past the paradigms that you might be attached to at this stage of your life. This is a chance to develop your sensibilities and spirit.

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We are not parenting our parents, however certain behaviors can make it seem like our parents are childish. However, a distinction to consider is childish vs. childlike. This chart can help you discern the differences and find solutions to what the loves of your life are communicating through behavior!

When you understand people’s motives it’s easier to approach the person with love and compassion, which, of course, solves most of the world’s problems!

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Being all you can be might mean pushing the physical limits to some, while to others it has more to do with spiritual pursuits. Still others find academia and intellectual muscle building the path to enlightenment. Emotional growth might be what some see as the ultimate, where others measure growth in business or professional prowess.

Each of us will find our satisfaction in our unique way.

What about elders?  What kinds of personal growth does the 80 plus crowd find rewarding? This, of course, is also as individual as the, well, individual.

My father-in-law, a retired PhD who taught mathematics at Clarkson University in NY for over 35 years, finds that, at 81, he enjoys the subjects he didn’t have as much time for earlier in his life.  He thinks of this a maintenance rather than growth.  His area of growth seems to be in personal relationships.  Having lost his wife two years ago, he has come to value people more than he ever allowed himself to before. He gets emotional, he feels deeply and shares it with his written words in the cards he sends to friends and family. This is big for him. It’s new, it’s intriguing and I have no doubt a little scary.

Some family members are a little baffled and tend towards either avoiding the emotions or poking fun. I’ve invited them, instead, to take on some growth of their own and accept and appreciate where dear old Dad has journeyed to. Besides, he hasn’t abandoned the nightly Sudoku sessions.

My mother, whose dementia often influences her GPS, finds growth in loving. People smile when they see her and she kisses hands and returns their smiles. She has more grace and love of life with each passing day. She sometimes gets scared, too, yet seems to trust the process of life. At 91, she continues to learn new things about people and teaches those who take the time to be in the presence of in her quiet, gentle strength.

We don’t stop growing as long as our heart is still beating.

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