Ageless-Sages

“You’ve had experience with this”, the host implied admiringly when I engaged his elder mother in conversation at his party.  I’m often noted for my interaction with elders,  indicating it might be uncommon and perhaps acquired.

When I began my teaching career in the late 80’s, there was often a similar intonation regarding the way I interacted with children. It inspired me to be a leader for parents who had difficultly communicating with their offspring, not unlike the inspiration I feel  to model behavior for people with  parents who have moved into a developmental stage of greater dependence.  Dependence, badically, on people to treat them with the same understanding it takes with anything worth pursuing.

What exactly was it that I did that prompted this praise? I want to see what he saw, so that I can break it down in a way that is useful for others, as I did for parents many years ago. And although there is nothing formulaic about how any one person is in a relationship, there are some guiding principles that might apply.

So here goes. How I Swept Ingrid Off Her Feet

• I noticed her and greeted her. (You’d be surprised how often elders are disregarded on this very basic level, although this was not the case last night).
• When she repeated a fact about her life, I responded each time as if it were the first time I’d heard it.  (It was evident that she did not recall telling me and I’ve observed that pointing this out to someone whose memory does not categorize like it used to usually frustrates or diminishes, neither of which I set out to do). I’m even able to now recognize that it is the first time I’m hearing it. (Think about it! Each time I hear someone say something, anything, it’s the first time!)
• “Would you mind helping me?” is a question that I asked that she did not seem accustomed to hearing.  Imagine how this one little reframe  created a feeling of empowerment for someone who might be feeling like more of a burden than a contribution.
• I make sure not to overwhelm with other questions.  Now that she was intrigued with me, I followed her lead. I let her guide the conversation and it became obvious what she was interested in and capable of talking about. Children, the spectacular view of Lake Champlain before us,  the color of each other’s eye.
• I kept my mind open to insight.  As a result, I allowed the wisdom and beauty that she offered to enlighten and contribute to my personal growth.

Pretty simple, but as the saying goes, not always easy.

If you find you are less than excited to interact with elders, ask yourself some questions.

• Does something prevent you from allowing the process of conversation to unfold in this manner?
• Is accepting a change in memory difficult for you?
• What scares you about the elder developmental stage?
• Are you willing to reframe the relationship in a way that can ultimately be an enhancement for both of you?

As I rediscovered last night, any initial effort invested dwarfs the outcome by a mile.

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Elder Insights

This sentiment by Merry Browne, on a bookmark presented to me a few years ago at a coaching retreat, highlighted where my spirit resided at the time: In awe, obviously marveling at all-that-is.

This past weekend, when my daughter and I went to see the opening of Eat, Pray, Love, one of Julia Robert’s lines intoned “I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something”.

We all go through various degrees of marveling. That line reminded me that I had lost some of my zest, my curiosity for life, so I  am taking this week to consciously marvel.

For the love of God, there are so many things right in front of me in which to be in awe!

I’m in awe of my soon to be 91 yr old mother who, in her varying states of dementia, can still bring me to my knees with her insights.

I’m in awe of my 20something daughters, who take life by the tail and don’t compromise their own well being for anything, anyone!

I’m in awe of myself. For the ability to see through the fog and purposefully make my life better and better.

It doesn’t get better than it is in this moment, even when you discover the next moment is better! (Think about it……it makes perfect sense!)

So go forth and marvel. It’s truly life changing!

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Elder Insights Eat Love Pray, Julia Roberts, marvel

Stop thinking this is all there is. . . . Realize that for every ongoing war and religious outrage and environmental devastation and bogus Iraqi attack plan, there are a thousand counter-balancing acts of staggering generosity and humanity and art and beauty happening all over the world, right now, on a breathtaking scale, from flower box to cathedral. . . . Resist the temptation to drown in fatalism, to shake your head and sigh and just throw in the karmic towel. . . . Realize that this is the perfect moment to change the energy of the world, to step right up and crank your personal volume; right when it all seems dark and bitter and offensive and acrimonious and conflicted and bilious . . . there’s your opening. Remember magic. And, finally, believe you are part of a groundswell, a resistance, a seemingly small but actually very, very large impending karmic overhaul, a great shift, the beginning of something important and potent and unstoppable.

Mark Morford

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Elder Insights

Today is the 93rd anniversary of my father’s birth. In his memory, I offer a repost of his classic poem:

By the late Basyl H. Tucker, sometime in the early 1970′s:

I saw a boy walk in the place
With hair down to his shoulder
Good Lord, he could be president
Someday when he gets older

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

The girl who came in with him
Was something to be seen
Hair too red, skirt too short,
Her eyes were painted green!

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

And then the played the jukebox
Such noise you would not believe!
How they can listen that stuff
I really can’t conceive

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

Then suddenly it hit me
When I was once their age
There were Tams and Plus Four Knickers
And Zoot Suits were the Rage

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

The girls wore funny things then too
Hair cut short like men
The way we dressed in those day
I don’t want to see again

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

And when we played the jukebox
You couldn’t stand the sound
Of Mairzy Doats the Jersey Bounce
And Music Goes ‘Round and ‘Round

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

So fella’s wear you hair long
And girls your knees don’t hide
For how you wrap the package
Doesn’t tell you what’s inside.

__________________________________

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Elder Insights

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that, too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
“I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
“But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
“I know what you mean,” said the little old man.

– Shel Silverstein
From “A Light in the Attic”

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Elder Insights elderly, family, love, relationships

The premise of the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale (EGS) is that you can get into a higher vibration more easily and sustainably if you do so incrementally. Going from worry to optimism might be too far a reach, however, worry ro doubt or pessimism is ripe with possibility. From there, your view might include contentment or hopefulness, which is much closer to enthusiasm.

Don’t rush it. Feel the feelings of each “rung” of the EGS ladder that you climb atop and allow it organically unfold.

The Emotional Guidance Scale

From the book “Ask and It is Given”, pg. 114

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Elder Insights

Conversation Starters With Elders Which Encourage Connection

The elder developmental stage of life has as many specificities as any other stage, however if you’re not past 80, it can be difficult to understand. Just as my 22 and 24 yr. old daughters can’t fully understand the decisions her 52 yr. old mother makes, we don’t always see the wisdom in the choices of our older counterparts.

It’s first important to understand that the aging brain processes things differently than it did when it was younger. In fact, there are things the older brain can process that a younger brain simply cannot. Elders have the edge on grasping the big picture and seeing life from a broader perspective. And since I’m not 80, I have no idea what that looks like, however my research has helped me compile these ideas for conversation.

Starting with direct questions can sometimes be inhibiting. Unless you’re sure the topic is something that the person is interested in recalling or exploring, start with statements that can emerge into questions as you go. Indirect questions can also help get a flow of dialogue moving. The point isn’t to get the “right” answers or have the conversation accomplish something specific, other than allowing two beings to connect in a way that honors the experience and wisdom of the elder. The following suggestions are not meant to be spoken verbatim, although some could! They’re designed to get you thinking past the paradigms that you might be attached to at this stage of your life. This is a chance to develop your sensibilities and spirit.

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Elder Insights

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Elder Insights

The center line of your life, as in tennis, is a moving target.  And when you’ve come to the point in your life that your parents need you more than you need them (if that’s possible!), that center line shifts on a daily basis.

Whether you parents live independently in their own home (my father-in-law) or a nursing community (my mother) or assisted living (my mother and step-father before my step-father’s passing) or with you (have not had that personal experience but have clients that have), the number one challenge is feeling that you are serving them in the most appropriate way possible.

This is an area we cannot  approach from the advantage of experience.  We’ve never been 80 or 90 or 100.  We can’t benefit from our own frames of reference.

Several years ago,  I shared with my father-in-law the challenges I was having with my parents who were approaching what I thought was a critical stage that needed intervention, the sooner the better.  Of course, my father-in-law recognized that my concern also included him, as his circumstances were changing and he was not too far behind them age wise. “What I can tell you”,  he began, “is that you will know what to do when the time is right to do it. If you are second guessing yourself, or unsure of the answer, then it is best to let it go and wait for a time when there is no doubt.” This was the best advise I’d ever been given, and not just where my parents were concerned!

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Elder Insights

This story was posted by Dayu Dayawanti on Facebook, and my sister, Sharon, reposted in a note to  her Facebook friends. Here is her note, in it’s entirety:

I am sharing it with you as it so touched me!
The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and
Failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
‘We must do something about father,’ said the son.
‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.’
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
Neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Watch on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TC1w3qKQec&feature=sub

Oftentimes we feel the need to “parent” our aging parents. My sister, Natalie, and I have realized that they do not need parenting, anymore than we do! What may be helpful is to become their ally or advocate, gently assisting and alligning with them in their process at this stage of life. I do not know what it feels like to be 80 or 90; so how could I possibly know what is best for them? Somedays I have enough of a challenge knowing what is best for myself. LOL With unconditional love, I am free to allow others to be exactly as they are. I send that love out to you in this note<3

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Elder Insights