Having spent time coaching nurses in nursing homes, I’ve had the opportunity to interact with people who are in this latter phase of their earthly existence. What I’ve discovered has surprised and delighted me, as well as assisted me in navigating these waters within my own family.

Although most of us are aware that cognitive ability and memory undergo drastic changes at this time of life, there appears to be a lack of understanding family members and caregivers exhibit. However, upon further observation, it appears that people have a very difficult time accepting that their elder relatives or friends are not “who they used to be”. Since this can be said of anyone at any developmental phase of life (does that 10 year old resemble the 5 year old they once were?), it stands to reason that we simply need to become more educated in the arena of developmental stages.

I’m discovering that this is a phenomenally precious stage, and if we can check in with our own growth, we can learn to love this stage as well as those we have too long considered “prime”. It’s all prime, folks!

©2010 Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC‐CC
Founder, Ageless‐Sages.com, Picture Books for Elders™

Share on Facebook

Being all you can be might mean pushing the physical limits to some, while to others it has more to do with spiritual pursuits. Still others find academia and intellectual muscle building the path to enlightenment. Emotional growth might be what some see as the ultimate, where others measure growth in business or professional prowess.

Each of us will find our satisfaction in our unique way.

What about elders?  What kinds of personal growth does the 80 plus crowd find rewarding? This, of course, is also as individual as the, well, individual.

My father-in-law, a retired PhD who taught mathematics at Clarkson University in NY for over 35 years, finds that, at 81, he enjoys the subjects he didn’t have as much time for earlier in his life.  He thinks of this a maintenance rather than growth.  His area of growth seems to be in personal relationships.  Having lost his wife two years ago, he has come to value people more than he ever allowed himself to before. He gets emotional, he feels deeply and shares it with his written words in the cards he sends to friends and family. This is big for him. It’s new, it’s intriguing and I have no doubt a little scary.

Some family members are a little baffled and tend towards either avoiding the emotions or poking fun. I’ve invited them, instead, to take on some growth of their own and accept and appreciate where dear old Dad has journeyed to. Besides, he hasn’t abandoned the nightly Sudoku sessions.

My mother, whose dementia often influences her GPS, finds growth in loving. People smile when they see her and she kisses hands and returns their smiles. She has more grace and love of life with each passing day. She sometimes gets scared, too, yet seems to trust the process of life. At 91, she continues to learn new things about people and teaches those who take the time to be in the presence of in her quiet, gentle strength.

We don’t stop growing as long as our heart is still beating.

Share on Facebook

Byron Katie, a favorite author/philosopher of mine, said it best when talking about it in parenting context, however it can applied to any situation:  When I became quiet, they could hear themselves.

One of the ways to expand your comfort zone with elders is to forget what you know and just listen. If it’s a litany of complaints, just listen. Listen with love, listen with compassion, listen as if you were instructing someone how to listen to you.

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook

When I visit my mother’s grave I strangely find myself humming a tune and recalling the chorus
Tears are for watering flowers,
it seems like the logical way,
that is reason I am giving to you,
for crying upon your bouquet.

But then again, really not so strange – my father wrote those lyrics and the melody that plays along in my head is the one he put with the words. The “bouquet” was always yellow roses which is why I made sure that particular bouquet was at her funeral. Twenty years after laying Dad to rest, our final farewell to Mom was individually laying twenty-four yellow roses on her casket. Our words, our actions, and events in our lives cross into others lives often in very significant ways. Here I share with you one example of many.

On Saturday, July 18, 2009, after granting Mom her final wishes by removing all machines and other medical assistance, I remained at her bedside. Shannon, the wonderful nurse on that night told me she had Mom the previous night and asked to have her again. Shannon was very sweet and caring and continued to tell me what to expect as the evening moved into night. About 9 p.m. she told me Mom’s oxygen was down to 65 percent and assured me it was okay to go out to use the restroom. When I returned Shannon had turned Mom to face the reclining chair she had brought in for me. I decided it was time for me to make myself comfortable so I curled up in the chair and, for the first time in four days, I turned on the television. I continued to caress Mom’s arm and it was as if we were watching TV together but for the last time. It was dim, quiet, and very comfortable – just mother and daughter spending the evening together.

Shannon came back into the room around midnight and reported to me that Mom was doing things on her own terms because her oxygen had went up to 72% since she turned Mom facing me. Shannon assured me it was okay for me to go to the restroom again which I planned to be my last trip of the evening as I would remain at Mom’s bedside through the overnight. Shannon was going to take Mom’s vital signs while I was out of the room.

When I returned, Shannon informed me that things were going to proceed faster and it would probably be within the hour. I turned off the television and climbed on my knees in the chair so I could be as close to Mom as possible. I cradled my right arm around her head and my left arm across her chest. My right hand caressed her head and my left caressed her right shoulder. Holding my dear mother like that made me think of a children’s story and I proceeded to tell Shannon this story as she worked with the machine behind me.

“There’s a little church around the corner from my house and when I saw they put up a ramp I was able to take my daughter to church. As an effort to accommodate her low vision, I asked the minister if he knew of any materials that would be good for her. He told me someone from the congregation had given him a gift certificate to the bible bookstore in Potsdam and would be pleased if he could give it to us to use. I accepted his gracious gift and at the bookstore I asked the lady for assistance in locating material that would be good for my daughter. She guided me to all the right things and pointed out her favorite children’s book.”

I paused as I soaked in the moment, caressing my mother’s aged skin, watching her lips blow out less now, the dimness of the ICU room, and Shannon continuing her work as she listened to my every word.

“Once home I read the book called Love you forever. Do you know the story?” I asked Shannon. She did not so I continued.

“It was not a Bible story nor did it have any religious connection in it whatsoever. The story began with a mother and her baby son. The mother says a poem and one line is ‘Love you forever’. Then the son is a toddler and it shows the mother tucking the son into bed and telling him the poem with the line ‘Love you forever’. It then shows him about 9 years old with toy trucks around and the mother takes him in, tucks him into bed and tells him the poem with the line ‘Love you forever’. “

In a peace like no other, I gazed upon my mother’s face as I continue to cradle her head, gently caress and softly tell Shannon the rest of the story.

“It proceeds on to show the grown son, married with children of his own and the mother coming to his house and still kissing him good night and saying the poem with the line, ‘Love you forever’. At the end of the story the grown son goes to his mother’s house and it shows him carrying his frail mother up the stairs, and he tucks her in bed and tells her the poem with the line …‘Love you forever.’

Mom exhaled her very last time as I uttered the last three words of that story – love you forever.

Like every year, my mother was over for Christmas the year I got the books from the Bible bookstore and I showed her what I had found. I remember telling Mom, “But this one, boy, I think this one is actually more for me,” and I read it to her. We both sniffled and laughed at, well, I guess, we laughed at this thing called motherhood. I took the book into my son’s room and told him “this is what I expect from you in years to come” and put the book on his bookshelf. I was still laughing at myself as I left the bewildered boy’s bedroom.

Before I left Mom’s ICU room, I wrote on a piece of paper “Love You Forever by Robert Munsch” and gave it to Shannon. She appeared to be as moved by what she had witnessed as I was and I knew this story would forever be special to her as well. As we hugged and said our farewell she told me she planned to ask me for the title and author because she needed to by the book for her mother. And I bet she did.

The Reverend that Mom had selected for her funeral is the same Reverend that gave me the gift certificate which was used to purchase the book Love You Forever. I gave him a copy of the story of Mom’s passing. He, in his own way, shared the summary of the book as part of Mom’s service and ended by telling us “Lila will love you forever, as you will love her forever.”

A man writes down some song lyrics, another man writes a children’s book, a woman gives her minister a gift certificate, a minister gives a gift certificate to a member of his congregation, a bookstore clerk shares a favorite book with a customer, a nurse goes to work. Yes, our words and our actions cross into others’ lives in the most significant ways and most often it occurs unknowingly to us. I believe we all should learn to recognize and appreciate such crossings, learn when to simply trust rather than seek explanation or assurance. Most of all we must always remember that our own words and actions can be a crossing for someone else.

Merry Christmas, Mom, love you forever.

Share on Facebook

Sometimes it takes a crisis to get to the deeper parts of our emotions. I’m not sure why this is the case, I just know that it is.

My friend often told me she had no real feelings of caring for her mother, however the fact that she mentioned it several times indicated it might not be her complete truth. She has insisted that she’s dealt with the feelings through her yoga class and she truly does not care one way or another. In fact, it might be easier if her mom would just die suddenly. Not that she thought that was feasible, but hey, you never know.

I’d been spending one day a week with my friend’s mother and we’d developed quite a nice friendship. Part of my mission was to keep an eye on her obviously declining memory and report any findings to the family. The past few weeks brought some noticeable progressions. Then, my friend called and told me her mom had taken a fall. Both eyes blackened, the staff at the independent senior housing complex where she resides tried to put the pieces together to determine what had happened. Not that it mattered terribly, because this was indeed that sign we’d been waiting for. THE sign, that told us without a doubt that she was in need of more care than she’d been receiving.

It was then my friend was open to the possibility that perhaps there was some underlying “stuff” that prevented her from loving her mother unconditionally. The fall provided a window to a vulnerability she saw in her mom which in turn bred compassion within her. In an instant, she let bygones be bygones and had a desire to be there for her and form a new connection. It did not need to contain any elements from the past, it was time to forge a relationship based on the women they are at this moment in time.

There’s no reason to wonder if this could have happened sooner; it didn’t. What we can take away for ourselves however, is an assessment of our relationships, especially the ones we think we have an indifference to. In my experience, indifference does not really exist, it’s more of resistance to truth. We’d rather not have to face the possibility of forgiving someone or something, so we call it “I don’t care” and try to move on. But it’s always there, lurking in the seedy underbelly of our most stubborn emotional impediment.

My advise? Well, as a coach, I’m not really that great at giving advise, but I can offer an invitation for you to find your truth. We sometimes fear the truth will hurt too much, but it’s the opposite that is true. Ignoring the truth is what really hurts.

Share on Facebook

For too long the mystery, fear and trepidation surrounding the elder years have kept us from maintaining meaningful relationships. Let’s start a movement to reframe our misguided perceptions and let the elder years be a time of continued living, not a time of waiting to die!

Connection. Some family members have a hard time accepting that their elder relatives are not the “same” as they used to be, and hang on to that outdated vision of how they were. Relating during this new developmental phase requires a specific skill set for strengthening connections. This can help family members feel less guilt and angst, allowing them to carry on in their lives, functioning at a higher and more contented level while tending to the needs of their elders.

(Our Aging Blind Spot)

Keeping the collective vibrational energy high. Science is showing us how the energy we emit through our thoughts effects the universe. High vibrational energy creates more positive results for mankind.

(The Law of Vibration)

(David R. Hawkins researched: A person who calibrates at the 300 level will counterbalance 90,000 individuals who calibrate below the 200 level. Or a person who calibrates at the 500 level will counterbalance 750,000 individuals who calibrate below the 200 level. Therefore, the higher you can build your energy frequency level, the more beneficial you become to the world at large.)

Increase the quality of existence in elder years. Family members can feel better about the care their elder relatives receive, and the elders can have an overall sense of well being as they navigate this new developmental stage.

(The Overlooked Stage)

Health related problems decrease when people are happier

In one study from the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston researchers decided to assess signs of depression, or what they called negative effect separately from signs of emotional well-being, or as they termed it positive effect.

What they found was that older people who are happy or have “high levels of positive affect” seem to have some protection against stroke. Those elders, who often feel blue – “individuals with high levels of depressive symptoms”, tend to have more strokes than older adults who aren’t depressed. Happiness appears to have a protective effect when it comes to health.

During the study over 4000 subjects, men and women, a mix of black and white were evaluated for positive or negative affect by answering yes or no to 20 statements made by the interviewers. Sixteen of the statements suggested negative emotions or experiences such as “I could not shake off the blues”, “I had crying spells” or “People were unfriendly”. The four positive statements that indicated a positive attitude were “I felt that I was just as good as other people”; “I felt hopeful about the future”; “I was happy”; and “I enjoyed life”. Those study participants who answered yes to the positive statements had a showed decreased risk of stroke over the six years of the study, with the results being dramatically increased for the men who participated in the study.

Why the difference? Is happiness a magic potion that keeps blood pressure down and arteries clear? Does a smile on your face ward off evil spirits? Is there a way to bottle happiness? No, that is not likely. What is more likely is that being unhappy leads to following an unhealthy lifestyle.

Another study done at the University of Pittsburgh indicated the a women who are depressed and angry are more likely to have hardening of the arteries or arteriosclerosis, and are also more likely to have a lifestyle that leads to arteriosclerosis. The behavior risk factors for arteriosclerosis included smoking, poor physical fitness and lower levels of good cholesterol with higher levels of bad cholesterol. This study finds that those participants in the study showing the most depressive symptoms were also two and one half times more likely to partake of those behaviors that place a person at higher risk for arteriosclerosis and heart disease. This can lead to premature death or disability.

These findings serve to emphasize the need for not only physical assessment of risk for disease but of psychological risk of disease. Physicians should not only ask about eating habits and activity but should evaluate emotional attitude.  And the way we can contribute to a positive emotional attitude is by understanding this developmental stage and discover ways to celebrate its arrival!

Share on Facebook

Perhaps you’ve been noticing that your parents aren’t as agile as they once were.  Your Mom stopped sending holiday cards (hey, she deserves a break, she’s done it for years)
Your Dad still insists on paying the bills but you’ve seen the late notices. (Well, gee, we all forget from time to time.)
You’re not sure if they’re eating right, taking their medication at the right time, bathing regularly.

Making adjustments in elder-parent/adult-child relationships requires a delicate understanding of a phase in life we can only imagine.  Having never been elders, there’s no frame of reference, no prior experience to guide us.  How do we even know some of the above scenarios are  intervening-worthy?  How can we appease our own sense of concern while honoring decisions that appear less than reasonable?

1-    Remember what your mother taught you: treat others as you would like to be treated.
Think how you like to be approached with suggestions about your life.  How do you respond when someone implies you’re no longer capable of a certain task?

2-     Get the facts.  Sometimes what we see as an issue is normal for this developmental phase of life.                         Brain research indicates that the elder mind focuses less on detail and more on the big picture.

3-    Check in with yourself: Are you reacting to something in order to address your own discomfort or is this truly about what is best for your parent/s. Be brutally honest. If you’re not sure how to gauge this, join a support group, hire a coach or find a resource that will help you sort this out.

4-    Do what you can to be an ally. Utilize outside sources as often as you can to let other, non-emotionally-involved people be bearer of news that might be upsetting. This way you can be a support system and source of comfort.

Life can change dramatically for everyone involved. Change in living situations can be difficult, of that we can be sure. But by becoming an ally and acknowledging your parent’s concerns and feelings, you can lessen the trauma and perhaps even celebrate this new phase!

Share on Facebook

Much is written about changing beliefs, having a choice in the way you see things, flipping from negative to positive.

I support much that is written! What I hear from people, though, is how does one apply these principles to specific areas of their lives?

Q . When you are with someone who has been there for you as a care giver, a support system, loving guidance, how do you shift into accepting their aging process, their changing brain, the fact that you now provide much of their care, support and loving guidance?

A. The same way you eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

This doesn’t mean it has to take a long time (if you’re really hungry, that elephant will get eaten more quickly!), what it does mean is that first you determine what is the most important part for you to first approach, or which part of the elephant do you want to consume first?

Our culture is moving away from a mainstream, prescriptive way of living a life and into individuation. This is lovely, as many examples of people who follow their passions, travel the path that feels right to them,and/or listen to their own inner guidance over what others advise, living happier, more fulfilled lives.

So shall we apply this to some specifics?

My mother began showing signs of dementia when she and her husband were still living in their house independently. Mainstream wisdom told me to rush in and advocate, get services to help, be sad, wring my hands and know that “the worst is yet to come”. And since I had siblings, it was going to be difficult to agree on things, so look out!

I tried that. I didn’t like it. Advocating was more like taking over. Being sad prevented me from seeing this phase as precious as any other. Assuming it would only get worse kept me in worry and fear unable to honor the process of life. Questioning the decisions of my involved sisters created tension, built walls and generally kept us each in an “I’m right-er than you” frame of mind.

So I decided to have a conversation with myself and ask some questions.

What is important to you, Natalie?
If you didn’t have outside influences telling you what is or isn’t appropriate, how would see this differently?
Are you honoring your intuition?
What are your beliefs about the cycle of life?

The flipping part became a natural by-product of me getting in touch with and fully trusting my own, unique was of seeing life. When I honored myself it was easy to honor others and their points of view.

It’s hasn’t always been comfortable or convenient to listen to my inner guidance, however once I got in touch with what my inner guidance really felt like and looked like, I can tell you, it has never let me down.

How can I be so sure? I have a memory like an elephant.

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook