Ageless-Sages

As many and elder can also attest…..

Natalie — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 00:42:42 +0000

Stop thinking this is all there is. . . . Realize that for every ongoing war and religious outrage and environmental devastation and bogus Iraqi attack plan, there are a thousand counter-balancing acts of staggering generosity and humanity and art and beauty happening all over the world, right now, on a breathtaking scale, from flower box to cathedral. . . . Resist the temptation to drown in fatalism, to shake your head and sigh and just throw in the karmic towel. . . . Realize that this is the perfect moment to change the energy of the world, to step right up and crank your personal volume; right when it all seems dark and bitter and offensive and acrimonious and conflicted and bilious . . . there’s your opening. Remember magic. And, finally, believe you are part of a groundswell, a resistance, a seemingly small but actually very, very large impending karmic overhaul, a great shift, the beginning of something important and potent and unstoppable.

Mark Morford

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These Kids Are Going Straight To Hell

Natalie — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:17:08 +0000

Today is the 93rd anniversary of my father’s birth. In his memory, I offer a repost of his classic poem:

By the late Basyl H. Tucker, sometime in the early 1970′s:

I saw a boy walk in the place
With hair down to his shoulder
Good Lord, he could be president
Someday when he gets older

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

The girl who came in with him
Was something to be seen
Hair too red, skirt too short,
Her eyes were painted green!

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

And then the played the jukebox
Such noise you would not believe!
How they can listen that stuff
I really can’t conceive

These kids are going straight to hell.
Or are they?

Then suddenly it hit me
When I was once their age
There were Tams and Plus Four Knickers
And Zoot Suits were the Rage

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

The girls wore funny things then too
Hair cut short like men
The way we dressed in those day
I don’t want to see again

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

And when we played the jukebox
You couldn’t stand the sound
Of Mairzy Doats the Jersey Bounce
And Music Goes ‘Round and ‘Round

We kids were going straight to hell.
Or were we?

So fella’s wear you hair long
And girls your knees don’t hide
For how you wrap the package
Doesn’t tell you what’s inside.

__________________________________

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Classic Shel

Natalie — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 13:33:38 +0000

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that, too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
“I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
“But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
“I know what you mean,” said the little old man.

– Shel Silverstein
From “A Light in the Attic”

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Emotional Guidance Scale

Natalie — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 14:21:06 +0000

The premise of the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale (EGS) is that you can get into a higher vibration more easily and sustainably if you do so incrementally. Going from worry to optimism might be too far a reach, however, worry ro doubt or pessimism is ripe with possibility. From there, your view might include contentment or hopefulness, which is much closer to enthusiasm.

Don’t rush it. Feel the feelings of each “rung” of the EGS ladder that you climb atop and allow it organically unfold.

The Emotional Guidance Scale

1.	Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2.	Passion
3.	Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4.	Positive Expectation/Belief
5.	Optimism
6.	Hopefulness
7.	Contentment
8.	Boredom
9.	Pessimism
10.	Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11.	Overwhelment
12.	Disappointment
13.	Doubt
14.	Worry
15.	Blame
16.	Discouragement
17.	Anger
18.	Revenge
19.	Hatred/Rage
20.	Jealousy
21.	Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22.	Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

From the book “Ask and It is Given”, pg. 114

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It’s Just a Phase

Natalie — Mon, 31 May 2010 20:16:00 +0000

Too often, much of what is being communicated by our elder parents and friends is misinterpreted by those not listening with the understanding of the elder developmental stage. Many a chasm has been created in a relationship because one fails to understand the other, and this time of life is no exception.

Having spent time coaching nurses in nursing homes, I’ve had the opportunity to interact with people who are in this latter phase of their earthly existence. What I’ve discovered has surprised and delighted me, as well as assisted me in navigating these waters within my own family.

Although most of us are aware that cognitive ability and memory undergo drastic changes at this time of life, there appears to be a lack of understanding family members and caregivers exhibit. However, upon further observation, it appears that people have a very difficult time accepting that their elder relatives or friends are not “who they used to be”. Since this can be said of anyone at any developmental phase of life (does that 10 year old resemble the 5 year old they once were?), it stands to reason that we simply need to become more educated in the arena of developmental stages.

I’m discovering that this is a phenomenally precious stage, and if we can check in with our own growth, we can learn to love this stage as well as those we have too long considered “prime”. It’s all prime, folks!

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Conversation starters

Natalie — Fri, 28 May 2010 19:59:50 +0000

Conversation Starters With Elders Which Encourage Connection

The elder developmental stage of life has as many specificities as any other stage, however if you’re not past 80, it can be difficult to understand. Just as my 22 and 24 yr. old daughters can’t fully understand the decisions her 52 yr. old mother makes, we don’t always see the wisdom in the choices of our older counterparts.

It’s first important to understand that the aging brain processes things differently than it did when it was younger. In fact, there are things the older brain can process that a younger brain simply cannot. Elders have the edge on grasping the big picture and seeing life from a broader perspective. And since I’m not 80, I have no idea what that looks like, however my research has helped me compile these ideas for conversation.

Starting with direct questions can sometimes be inhibiting. Unless you’re sure the topic is something that the person is interested in recalling or exploring, start with statements that can emerge into questions as you go. Indirect questions can also help get a flow of dialogue moving. The point isn’t to get the “right” answers or have the conversation accomplish something specific, other than allowing two beings to connect in a way that honors the experience and wisdom of the elder. The following suggestions are not meant to be spoken verbatim, although some could! They’re designed to get you thinking past the paradigms that you might be attached to at this stage of your life. This is a chance to develop your sensibilities and spirit.

Avoid “How are you today”, which could end in a litany of ailments or complaints. Replace with an exclamation of “You’re looking especially chipper today!’ or some positive (and authentic!) observation.

“Hello” (pause for a response)

Think of a problem you would like some perspective around in which you know they are knowledgeable. Eg.”I can’t keep the deer out of my lettuce plants. Did you ever deal with that?”

What’s a topic they enjoy? “What did you enjoy about flying a plane in WWII?”

“When you were little, what did your family do together that you enjoyed?”

Weave in an example: “My neighbor told me she remembered when phones had party lines. That sounds so funny to me!”

“Do you have a favorite animal?”

“Would you like me to read to you?” (all kinds of reading material provides room for deeper discussion!)

Allow the same discussion, over and over, if that is the direction your elder chooses. Find ways to not be annoyed by repetition.

“What a great day. I always enjoy a warm, rainy day. It reminds me of splashing in puddles when I was little.”

Tell a joke. Eg. What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique.

Conversations with
Women:

Children and grandchildren
Their education history
Their employment history
What they wish they’d accomplished
Changes they’ve seen in their lifetime
What is their purpose now?
Their surviving/late husbands

Men:

World War II
Past loves
Their careers
Pretty girls and women (Don’t fret about this being sexist. This is a simple joy for men! Try it with the ladies, too!)
Their surviving/late wives
Hobbies they’ve enjoyed

Events to consider:

Music in all forms, but esp. live
Story telling
Sitting outdoors
Baby animal visits
Babies visiting
Anyone taking the time to listen and talk

Avoid

Asking about health/pain
Asking too many questions that require recall
Talking about them to others in their presence, regardless of their mental state
Correcting them if it really doesn’t matter in the big picture. And trust me, it really doesn’t matter.
©2010 Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC‐CC

Founder, Ageless‐Sages.com, Picture Books for Elders™

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Na Na Na Goo Goo, You’re Not Parenting Your Parents!

Natalie — Wed, 26 May 2010 19:42:08 +0000

We are not parenting our parents, however certain behaviors can make it seem like our parents are childish. However, a distinction to consider is childish vs. childlike. This chart can help you discern the differences and find solutions to what the loves of your life are communicating through behavior!

When you understand people’s motives it’s easier to approach the person with love and compassion, which, of course, solves most of the world’s problems!

Behaviors	Possible Meaning for a child	Possible meaning for an elder
Attention seeking:	Not getting the recognition they feel they deserve.	Desiring a connection with and understanding from the people with whom they are in direct contact.

Resistance to suggestions:	Feeling the need to have limits lifted commensurate with their expanding abilities.	Wanting freedom of choice within the imposed boundaries created by a diminished capacity of function.

Argumentative in conversation:	Needing to be acknowledged for their growth and knowledge.	Needing to be honored for their accumulated wisdom.

Assumed helplessness:	Discouraged; not feeling encouraged or capable of competence.	Discouraged by lack of attention. Finding ways to have someone notice them by needing them to help them.

Demanding, Bossy:	Testing limits. Fear of being weak, taken advantage of. Asserting one’s self in order to get needs met.	Getting the upper hand. Dislike being dependent upon others. Drastic measures to stay safe. Fearing loss of freedom.

Ignoring authority and/or peers:	Avoiding confrontation. Sometimes needing to appear superior.	Holding on to control of self. Afraid that giving in will give away personal power.

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Personal Growth

Natalie — Sat, 22 May 2010 13:17:03 +0000

Personal growth means different things to different people.

Being all you can be might mean pushing the physical limits to some, while to others it has more to do with spiritual pursuits. Still others find academia and intellectual muscle building the path to enlightenment. Emotional growth might be what some see as the ultimate, where others measure growth in business or professional prowess.

Each of us will find our satisfaction in our unique way.

What about elders? What kinds of personal growth does the 80 plus crowd find rewarding? This, of course, is also as individual as the, well, individual.

My father-in-law, a retired PhD who taught mathematics at Clarkson University in NY for over 35 years, finds that, at 81, he enjoys the subjects he didn’t have as much time for earlier in his life. He thinks of this a maintenance rather than growth. His area of growth seems to be in personal relationships. Having lost his wife two years ago, he has come to value people more than he ever allowed himself to before. He gets emotional, he feels deeply and shares it with his written words in the cards he sends to friends and family. This is big for him. It’s new, it’s intriguing and I have no doubt a little scary.

Some family members are a little baffled and tend towards either avoiding the emotions or poking fun. I’ve invited them, instead, to take on some growth of their own and accept and appreciate where dear old Dad has journeyed to. Besides, he hasn’t abandoned the nightly Sudoku sessions.

My mother, whose dementia often influences her GPS, finds growth in loving. People smile when they see her and she kisses hands and returns their smiles. She has more grace and love of life with each passing day. She sometimes gets scared, too, yet seems to trust the process of life. At 91, she continues to learn new things about people and teaches those who take the time to be in the presence of in her quiet, gentle strength.

We don’t stop growing as long as our heart is still beating.

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Finding the center line

Natalie — Sat, 22 May 2010 13:06:51 +0000

The center line of your life, as in tennis, is a moving target. And when you’ve come to the point in your life that your parents need you more than you need them (if that’s possible!), that center line shifts on a daily basis.

Whether you parents live independently in their own home (my father-in-law) or a nursing community (my mother) or assisted living (my mother and step-father before my step-father’s passing) or with you (have not had that personal experience but have clients that have), the number one challenge is feeling that you are serving them in the most appropriate way possible.

This is an area we cannot approach from the advantage of experience. We’ve never been 80 or 90 or 100. We can’t benefit from our own frames of reference.

Several years ago, I shared with my father-in-law the challenges I was having with my parents who were approaching what I thought was a critical stage that needed intervention, the sooner the better. Of course, my father-in-law recognized that my concern also included him, as his circumstances were changing and he was not too far behind them age wise. “What I can tell you”, he began, “is that you will know what to do when the time is right to do it. If you are second guessing yourself, or unsure of the answer, then it is best to let it go and wait for a time when there is no doubt.” This was the best advise I’d ever been given, and not just where my parents were concerned!

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Listening…A Lost Art

Natalie — Sat, 22 May 2010 12:56:03 +0000

There is an art to listening. Some people are natural listening artists, other aquire the skill through understanding and practice.

Byron Katie, a favorite author/philosopher of mine, said it best when talking about it in parenting context, however it can applied to any situation: When I became quiet, they could hear themselves.

One of the ways to expand your comfort zone with elders is to forget what you know and just listen. If it’s a litany of complaints, just listen. Listen with love, listen with compassion, listen as if you were instructing someone how to listen to you.

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