I support much that is written! What I hear from people, though, is how do you apply these principles to specific areas of their lives?

Q . When you are with someone who has been there for you as a care giver, a support system, loving guidance, how do you shift into accepting their aging process, their changing brain, the fact that you now provide much of their care, support and loving guidance?

A. The same way you eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

This doesn’t mean it has to take a long time (if you’re really hungry, that elephant will get eaten more quickly!), what it does mean is that first you determine what is the most important part for you to first approach, or which part of the elephant do you want to consume first?

Our culture is moving away from a mainstream, prescriptive way of living a life and into individuation. This is lovely, as many examples of people who follow their passions, travel the path that feels right to them,and/or listen to their own inner guidance over what others advise, living happier, more fulfilled lives.

So shall we apply this to some specifics?

My mother began showing signs of dementia when she and her husband were still living in their house independently. Mainstream wisdom told me to rush in and advocate, get services to help, be sad, wring my hands and know that “the worst is yet to come”. And since I had siblings, it was going to be difficult to agree on things, so look out!

I tried that. I didn’t like it. Advocating was more like taking over. Being sad prevented me from seeing this phase as precious as any other. Assuming it would only get worse kept me in worry and fear unable to honor the process of life. Questioning the decisions of my involved sisters created tension, built walls and generally kept us each in an “I’m right-er than you” frame of mind.

So I talked to my father-in-law, who I knew had experience in this area, and wisdom that I trusted. He counseled me to follow their lead. Only do what is right before you. No more. No less.

I decided to have a conversation with myself and ask some questions.

What is important to you, Natalie?
If you didn’t have outside influences telling you what is or isn’t appropriate, how would see this differently?
Are you honoring your intuition?
What are your beliefs about the cycle of life?

The flipping part became a natural by-product of me getting in touch with and fully trusting my own, unique was of seeing life. When I honored myself it was easy to honor others and their points of view.

It’s hasn’t always been comfortable or convenient to listen to my inner guidance, however once I got in touch with what my inner guidance really felt like and looked like, I can tell you, it has never let me down.

How can I be so sure? I have a memory like an elephant.

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It may be hard for someone who has not experienced dementia as a joyous part of life to understand, but my mother, at 91, with dementia, in a nursing home, sleeping a good portion of her days, cared for me until her last breath (in the physical realm. She’s still caring for my spirit, the little duffer!).

I remember sitting with her, holding her hand, while she held my heart. Always.

As far back as I can remember, all it took from her was a look. Of course, that included “the” look which meant I’d better stop whatever shenanigans were at hand in the moment. But more importantly, it included the look of love.

The glance, the smile, the wink, the smirk, all of those tender facial expressions that let me know she had my heart in her hands.

As I often sat with her in the nursing home, her desire and/or ability (who really knows?) to converse a thing of the past, the looks to convey her inner most feelings never ceased. Always particularly expressive through her deeply beautiful eyes, she could throw a glance that would bring me to my knees. I never felt for a moment that she had stopped caring for, and taking care of, me.

Thanks, Mama.

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As I sit with my friend Lilah, weeks after her stroke, she indicates that her heart is telling her it’s time to move on. It’s easy to feel gratitude for my beautiful elder friend, yet waves of grief are present as well.

Saying good-bye to friends is just part of the package of befriending elders. The honor of being in the presence of people who have embraced this leg of their journey is a gift I receive over and over and only hope I can adequately pay forward!

In addition to offering tribute to our loved ones when they pass, why not make appreciation a habit now? All too often, our habits have us noticing what needs improvement in our relationships rather than finding the perfection of what is. Looking for what’s right in the relationship is a great starting point, one that benefits giver, receiver and everyone in between. Think of how you feel when you’re in the presence of someone who not just accepts or tolerates “what-is”, but fully enjoys and appreciates it!  Think how you feel when you know you’ve had that effect on others.

One of the ways I’ve learned to appreciate my connection with Lilah and others is through sharing stories. What began as the simple intention of giving back to my mother, has turned into a mission of helping families connect during the changing developmental stages of aging.

A story is more than the sum of words + pictures on a page. It can be a catalyst to deeper connection. Stories and books become a tool for that connection, not the means to an end!

To cultivate that connection through books, here are some things to keep in mind when reading together:

• Release any expectation. Sometimes you will have a captive audience when reading the story, other times it may spark an alternate conversation and still other times it may appear that nothing is happening.  Let whatever happens be OK.  The point is you are together, present with one another.

• Allow this be an interactive process. Some ways to do this are:

1. Expand on the story. If an element of the story reminds you of a personal experience, consider weaving that in with the book.
2. Ask simple questions.  What does your listener think about a certain sentence or verse of the book? Does it remind them of anything they have ever done before?  How do they feel about a particular aspect of the story?
3. Create an activity around the story. Drawing, coloring, doodling, writing, rhyming, alliterations, singing, these are all simple activities to incorporate into the story telling.

• Enjoy yourself.  The best gift you can bestow on someone is the joy you feel because you are with them.  Don’t force this, as it will be frustrating to all involved.  If you’re not “in the mood”, honor that and return to it another time when the conditions are right.  The importance of this cannot be overstated!

Sharing yourself with someone in this way can express profound appreciation that will last long after they have passed on. Like now: The gratitude I have for Lilah is already making its way to you!

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It occurred to me that, at 54, although I see the world differently than I could have earlier in my life (isn’t that always true!), I still fee quite youthful. The world is an exciting playground with which to explore and express. I easily relate to younger people, as I can remember the various stages I passed through before them. Of course I don’t know what any one person, from any one generation, may or may not be feeling, but that is not the point of relating. For me, relating is remaining curious and open to all perspectives, in a way that honors all humanity.

And truly, I feel as alive and vital as I did when I was younger, maybe more so in some respects.

Which got me thinking about elders. I’ve never been older than I am, at least not in this lifetime, or that I can recall, so I can’t really know what it feels like to be 80 or 90 or 100. (or 60 or 70 for that matter!) Is it as big a surprise at that age to look in the mirror and see the changing body, skin, hair, teeth, all of it, as it is for me to notice a new shock of gray hair, or sagging chin-skin? (My new passport picture was the tip off!)  Is being ignored by the younger generation frustrating or a welcome relief?

Whatever the answers may be for any individual, one thing my curiosity allows me is to benefit from the gifts that every person has to offer. Each time I suspend an assumption and delve more deeply into not knowing, the more I grow and expand and embrace all that life has to offer. What we judge as “good”, or “bad” or anything in between and beyond…..

Thanks, I needed that!

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“You’re my daughter, right?”

“Yes, Mom, that’s right.”

She was introducing me to a new friend she’d met at lunch.

I knew it was coming, the day she might question how I fit into the big picture of her life. My sisters and I have been observing the shift in her memory for several years. How would we feel when came the time she ventured into another dimension of her mind, one that might not include us?

And here it was. The moment. Or at least close to the moment. She did, after all, recognize that I was probably part of her family. Bonus!

Plus she was clearly happy and excited to introduce me to her new friend, whose name she didn’t know, only that “She’s funny, you’ll like her”. Another bonus? Did she recall that in our family, we value a sense of humor above many other qualities? A stretch, perhaps, yet these are the things I see families grasping onto all the time. Suddenly, the mundane becomes crucial. We search for clues, hoping to uncover the person we remember, finding comfort in any way we can spin the story to suit our needs.

Once I understood the futility in that exercise it became evident that I owed it to myself to lose my dependency of what once was and look for the perfection in what now is. We’ve heard it before, everything happens for a reason. Though my philosophy is a variation on that theme (everything happens. Period.), it does invite my wiser self to the table, to sit in on these sessions and find the beauty, the wonder and yes, the perfection. Allowing myself to see these things is not something I can later articulate; rather it’s something I feel. I know. I accept. I relish.

The path to this ability to relish this truth did take some deliberate steps. Some steps were inherently part of the unique perspective on life I came into the world possessing, some I learned because of my desire to feel good when visiting friends and relatives who are in this uncharted phase of life.

And I routinely invite others, who have yet to view this developmental stage as the precious time in life it is, to determine how their own unique perspective can guide them to a more fulfilling connection with those they feel have disconnected.

Ask yourself:

What’s really bothering you when you see this shift in cognition?

If there is repetition of conversation (the most common of frustrations, I’ve found), what meaning are you attaching to it that creates this frustration?

Are there fears you can identify?

What is preventing you from appreciating this person as they now are?

These questions can be the beginning of a process that helps you to fully embrace, fully engage, fully feel all that life has to offer. We get to choose on this one, as we do with everything in our life: How do you choose to feel about this? If you prefer feeling joy over pain, then start right now. Start questioning what you’ve come to think of as truth and look it squarely and deeply in the eyes. Remind yourself that it is YOU in charge of how you see the circumstances, not the other way around.

And of course remember that it’s love that will ultimately guide you. Love for yourself, love for others, love for what is.

My mother was right, her knew friend is a barrel of laughs. And the next time I visited, she asked me about her granddaughters, my daughters, indicating she was accessing a part of her memory that included us. Bonus. For now.

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Tookie and I spend a couple of afternoons a week together, and as her mind floats in and out of places that remain a mystery, I’ve had to privilege of continuing our ever evolving friendship. Over the past couple of years there have been various shifts and changes, for both of us.

One of the shifts that happened soon after her relocation to her new home was how her stuffed rabbit became real, like the Velveteen Rabbit. This wasn’t just any rabbit, though, this was the rabbit that became Tassie, the cat.

The beauty of Tassie the rabbit cat, is that she can transfer her being to other objects.

This is how Car Tassie came to be.

A trio of polar bear stuffed toys that signified myself and my two daughters was given to me by another friend. Since then, I carry this family of fluff in my vehicle as my own little, loving totem.

On one of our drives, Tookie was beginning to long for Tassie, and wondered aloud if she was OK back in her room. I didn’t intend to trick or persuade her out of her concerns, however decided to introduce her to my family of animals. She quickly became enamored and christened them Car Tassie.

Since then, Car Tassie has become part of our regular routine, as Tassie the rabbit-turned-cat waits patiently at home.

(The following videos are just 22 seconds each. Notice the love and awe!)

Singing toTassie

Car Tassie

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Word of the Day
dowager:
an elderly woman of stately dignity, especially one of elevated social position.

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