I was aware today, that a mourning cloud has gently floated away.
I felt the presence of Fern more than her absence.
If it’s true that there is a gap between the time a soul ascends and when
it is ready to guide others, then perhaps that at least partially
accounts for this new feeling. 
What might be more important than dramatizing Alzheimer’s and dementia is to learn to accept it. We want to treat it, beat it, wring our hands and gnash our teeth.
Of course, if that is what fulfills and inspires you, then that is clearly your path. I’m an advocate of always honoring who you are.
If, on the other hand, it does not, perhaps your approach is in seeing the beauty and perfection that resides in all phases of life. This has been my message for several years, and a few weeks after my mother’s death, having been up close and personal with dementia for the past 1o or so years, it’s not likely to change. I’ve gotten lots of flack from experts and others who prefer the other side, but I’ve also heard from many more people who are relieved by this perspective and can better relate to the phase of development approach.
Is it easy? No, not always. I’ve yet to find anything that is. But it is beautiful. And wonderful. There is an amazing opportunity to connect in relationship in a way that other phases simply will not allow.
If this does not resonate, that’s fine, there are lots and lots of resources for you. If it does, send me you stories of hope and renewal and insight. I’ll keep offering ways for you to stay in the spirit of upliftment. Together, we’ll continue to live, love and grow.
It’s a little hard to describe, how important encouraging people to connect with elders is to me. And how important my own connections are.
This past weekend my sisters and I hosted a celebration of gratitude for my recently-passed mother, her resident neighbors at the nursing home and the caregivers who loved her. What struck me more than anything was how appreciative the residents were.
To be honest, it took a little reprimanding from one resident, Anna Kirkey, to help me to see how important connecting can be. On the day after my mother passed, Anna asked me how everything was. For some reason, I chose to not mention my mother, and instead focused on the musical act who was entertaining that day, and said “Things are great, don’t you love this music?” She looked at me sternly and said “I’m gonna ask you again. How is everything?”. I decided to come clean and said to her, “My mother passed yesterday”. Anna replied, “I know, I wondered if you were gonna tell me.”
Jeez, did I think she needed to be shielded? Did I think she wouldn’t care? Or remember? Or……what?? I do not have a reasonable answer. I’m the person who always advocates forthcoming communication, yet here I was, thinking , oh, I don’t know, that she might not notice???
Now this old dog, who’s been writing and training and researching all this valuable information about the elder developmental stage of life, as well as the how’s and why’s respecting and honoring ALL stages is vital, is learning some new things about what that really means.
One of the things it means is that connecting with elders is a two way street. Had I gotten out of touch with this realization?
The engagement, participation and appreciation from these friends was so real, so honest, so heartwarming, I don’t think I’ll ever forget each of their personal sentiments. Anna thanked us with sincerity that was palpable, Les shed a tear as he talked about how much Fern meant to him. We all enjoyed the stories, the songs, the love.
My sisters and I were all exhausted by this point, as this was a few weeks after her first service at the funeral home. But that day we were filled with more love in our hearts than probably anyone else on planet earth!
Please, don’t make the same initial mistake I made with Anna, by thinking that including elders in all life has to offer isn’t a good idea. In this case, inclusion turned out to be better than just a good idea. It was profoundly expansive!
Honest to goodness, this was my horoscope the night I was called to my mother’s bedside, two days before she passed:
Aquarius: A must appearance is inevitable. You need to visit with a parent or older friend.
Flppin’ A!
A friend saw my mother in this Shakespeare passage from Romeo and Juliet. It’s such a beautiful passage, I just had to share!
The pronouns have been changed….
“When She Shall Die, Take Her and
Cut Her Out in Little Stars, and She
Will Make the Face of Heaven so
Fine That All the World Will Be in
Love with Night”
As I plan my trip to Northern NY later this week for a Celebration of Gratitude for the good people at United Helpers Maplewood Campus and Hospice of NNY who loved and cared for my mother, I’m reminded of how habitual some of my behavior had become.
My intention for the past five years had been to visit my mother every two weeks. Give or take a few variations, I stuck to that schedule. As I was calculating my ETA for my upcoming trip, my mind automatically decided I would be there in time to tuck my mother in for the night……oh, never mind.
My mother’s residences (3 within those 5 years) became make-shift offices for me so I could devote as much time as possible to her while c
ontinuing to grow my businesses.
One of the tools I came to rely on more than I’d ever imagined was my Amazon Kindle. In addition to being able to check e-mail, keep current with my reading and find material to share with my mother, it was a wonderful way for me get the oft needed rest I required on a schedule that kept me in the driver’s seat a good portion of the time. Yes, I’m one of those people who can easily nod off while reading. Of course, Kindle also offers games, so I don’t always fall asleep.
Seriously, though, as many people have assumed this is a “relief” for me, that could not be further from the truth. Technology made it pretty easy to adapt my world and quite frankly, as one of her former nurses wrote when he heard she’d passed, “Fern just made life better”. Yes, Jason, she sure did. Big shoes in which we can all aspire to fill. So go forth and make life better for someone!
Ah, the freedom I see in the faces of my friends at the nursing home when they have no other choice but to be in the present moment. In fact, it’s only when this capacity diminishes, and more of what we’d call lucidity comes forth, do I notice a shift in the peace and happiness they were feeling.
The lessons we can take away from this interesting, misunderstood, un-understood state of being are not insignificant. As we live in an era where consciousness is regarded as key to our bliss, imagine how fully conscious one must be within the world of dementia. Sounds oxymoronic, yet the call to live in the ‘now’, in the present, really does invite us to move out of the past, not be concerned with a future that never comes.
My mother rarely
visits the past or future anymore and her sense of freedom, peace and contentment, is palpable. Yet we often approach people with dementia with a great deal of sadness, fear and pity.
When you are faced with your own pain in dealing with a loved one with dementia, try this exercise:
Ask yourself, “What is it I am sad about?” Often the answers seem obvious, yet when examined, they don’t make much sense. Because I want to be remembered? Memory is subjective and fickle anyway!
Because I don’t have anything to talk about if we can’t be connected by our past? The past can imprison us to sameness and inertia. Think of the freedom of expression dementia can bring to both of you!
Next, allow yourself to feel sadness or fear or pity. Honor you feelings in this, for the richness of life can indwell in them. However, at the point just before an emotional reaction, such as tears or an outburst, get a sense of where you feel it in your body. Notice it, acknowledge it, feel the power of it. Recognize that this reaction is relying on past experiences and not on the present moment.
It seems that the sadness, fear and pity has more to do with OUR inability to be present, our remembrance of past pain and our concern of future troubles. Yet right here, right now, everything is perfect. Just like my mother. Just like dementia.
(Natalie’s mother passed on Oct 12, 2010. “All is dark and they pray, ‘Remember, children, what the days have taught you’ “. The Golden Grandparents in Lavender Ladies)
Years ago I read a book called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss
It did indeed shed some light of understanding for me. Additionally, it helped me gain insight into some of the experiences I’d had as a teenager after my father passed. At the time I felt the book could have been called “Fatherless Daughters” or “Parentless Kids”.
Today, a week and a half after Fern’s passing, I took a trip to my library and re-borrowed Motherless Daughters. One of the first passages I read was so stark, so raw, and so utterly motherly that I am sure I did not get quite the same hit when I first read the book. How could I? My mother was still living.
I can clearly see why it was not named those other titles (although I suppose it could also be Motherless Sons?). I’d like to share the passage with you, and perhaps it will also provide you with the comfort of knowing your supreme greatness, simply because you had a mother:
“There was an emptiness inside of me – a void that will never be filled. No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love so pure, unconditional and strong as a mother’s love. And I will never be loved that way again.”
For me, this explained so much of what I had felt, yet no doubt took for granted, for 52 years. My mother had it for less than 4.
We are blessed indeed, those of us who have had the gift of a mother well into our adulthood. And although our mothers are no longer of the physical realm, whenever we need that dose of love without conditions; love, no matter what we’ve done; love, in the moments we feel the least lovable, we can close our eyes and summon the love that we know is still there for us until the end of time, through the eternal spirits of our mothers.
XO
Natalie
My mother passed on October 12th. There are so many things I want to say, so many thoughts going through my head, yet the words that keep recurring are “Unconditional Acceptance”. She was the epitome of love and acceptance.
More later. Lots more later. She touched so many lives and truly walked her talk of love and acceptance, that I intend to share many of the beautiful concepts and philosophies she gifted the world.
Til then,
Her Loving Daughter, Natalie
Homeschooling our daughters offered as much liberation and possibility to my and my husband’s lives as it did our daughters. By stepping away from convention and researching the things that were most meaningful to each of us, we allowed experimentation to be key when it came to personal preferences and purpose.
Essential to nurturing those ideals is honoring and noting the unique qualities each of us have and adding an element of wonder as to what else might be possible.
One of the first books I’d come across when considering the homeschool option was 
where I found exercises that supported that ideal. Since then, I’ve used one of my favorite ones, The Birthday Circle. I’ve modified this to use in all kinds of scenarios, from board rooms to nursing homes and everywhere in between.
If you’d like to use this powerful and fun “game” with elders, here’s the basic premise:
Say something affirmative and sincere about the person you are interested in uplifting. Be clear on the rules that the person extolling these sentiments is not qualifying them with a negative. For instance “We’ve had some really rough times, but now I want to share with you what I like”. Nor may it be used to diminish the giver as in “I wish I could sing as good as you”. It’s about the person in the center, without comparisons or judgment. You can begin with an opening statement as a prompt, if you choose, such as “What I appreciate about you is______”.
When you allow yourself to get into the space of seeing the best in someone else, you can’t help but feel great about yourself, as well. It’s what we call a win-win in the biz.
