Ageless-Sages

How can you do what you think is best for your parents when they are resistant to change?

Perhaps you’ve been noticing that your parents aren’t as agile as they once were.  Your Mom stopped sending holiday cards (hey, she deserves a break, she’s done it for years)
Your Dad still insists on paying the bills but you’ve seen the late notices. (Well, gee, we all forget from time to time.)
You’re not sure if they’re eating right, taking their medication at the right time, bathing regularly.

Making adjustments in elder-parent/adult-child relationships requires a delicate understanding of a phase in life we can only imagine.  Having never been elders, there’s no frame of reference, no prior experience to guide us.  How do we even know some of the above scenarios are  intervening-worthy?  How can we appease our own sense of concern while honoring decisions that appear less than reasonable?

1-    Remember what your mother taught you: treat others as you would like to be treated.
Think how you like to be approached with suggestions about your life.  How do you respond when someone implies you’re no longer capable of a certain task?

2-     Get the facts.  Sometimes what we see as an issue is normal for this developmental phase of life.                         Brain research indicates that the elder mind focuses less on detail and more on the big picture.

3-    Check in with yourself: Are you reacting to something in order to address your own discomfort or is this truly about what is best for your parent/s. Be brutally honest. If you’re not sure how to gauge this, join a support group, hire a coach or find a resource that will help you sort this out.

4-    Do what you can to be an ally. Utilize outside sources as often as you can to let other, non-emotionally-involved people be bearer of news that might be upsetting. This way you can be a support system and source of comfort.

Life can change dramatically for everyone involved. Change in living situations can be difficult, of that we can be sure. But by becoming an ally and acknowledging your parent’s concerns and feelings, you can lessen the trauma and perhaps even celebrate this new phase!

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Natalie Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

Much is written about changing beliefs, having a choice in the way you see things, flipping from negative to positive.

I support much that is written! What I hear from people, though, is how does one apply these principles to specific areas of their lives?

Q . When you are with someone who has been there for you as a care giver, a support system, loving guidance, how do you shift into accepting their aging process, their changing brain, the fact that you now provide much of their care, support and loving guidance?

A. The same way you eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

This doesn’t mean it has to take a long time (if you’re really hungry, that elephant will get eaten more quickly!), what it does mean is that first you determine what is the most important part for you to first approach, or which part of the elephant do you want to consume first?

Our culture is moving away from a mainstream, prescriptive way of living a life and into individuation. This is lovely, as many examples of people who follow their passions, travel the path that feels right to them,and/or listen to their own inner guidance over what others advise, living happier, more fulfilled lives.

So shall we apply this to some specifics?

My mother began showing signs of dementia when she and her husband were still living in their house independently. Mainstream wisdom told me to rush in and advocate, get services to help, be sad, wring my hands and know that “the worst is yet to come”. And since I had siblings, it was going to be difficult to agree on things, so look out!

I tried that. I didn’t like it. Advocating was more like taking over. Being sad prevented me from seeing this phase as precious as any other. Assuming it would only get worse kept me in worry and fear unable to honor the process of life. Questioning the decisions of my involved sisters created tension, built walls and generally kept us each in an “I’m right-er than you” frame of mind.

So I decided to have a conversation with myself and ask some questions.

What is important to you, Natalie?
If you didn’t have outside influences telling you what is or isn’t appropriate, how would see this differently?
Are you honoring your intuition?
What are your beliefs about the cycle of life?

The flipping part became a natural by-product of me getting in touch with and fully trusting my own, unique was of seeing life. When I honored myself it was easy to honor others and their points of view.

It’s hasn’t always been comfortable or convenient to listen to my inner guidance, however once I got in touch with what my inner guidance really felt like and looked like, I can tell you, it has never let me down.

How can I be so sure? I have a memory like an elephant.

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Natalie Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

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Natalie Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

15 hours after Afton was born, Grandma Fern   held her for a very long time. Didn’t remember the next day, however made the connection that Afton rhymes with her brother’s name, Grafton. No one else made that connection. Love that dementia! It’s truly awesome!

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Natalie Elder Insights

It’s surely tempting to read a study, a blog post, an opinion, a case study and base how you act on the content. We do it all the time. “Is what I’m saying appropriate?”  “Is that PC?”  “Will this offend someone?”

Indeed, those are ok questions to ponder if you’re not sure and want to do what feels best. However when we consider what other people deem appropriate and ignore our own inner guidance,  our ability to be in touch with our intuition and connect meaningfully with others is compromised.

In the news again today was an article addressing “elderspeak”, the use of a condescending tone or words to communicate with senior citizens. This has been popping up since the New York Times ran an article referencing a Yale study that concluded speaking this way to elders can effect health.

OK, grain-of-salt, perspective time here. I get it. Of course I do, as a forerunner in my field on the topic of respectful communication. I’ve been promoting it for years with parents communicating to kids, teachers to students, leaders to their constituents, spouse to spouse, the list is endless.

But is taking a concept such as this, with as much validity as it may have, and negating your own common sense is what all-too-often happens. And what it the cost of that? Being even more removed from forming a relationship because of your hyper focus on what is or is not deemed appropriate.

I could find no evidence in the study as to the benefits of terms of endearment, of which I have seen many. I think a more useful suggestion would be to become aware of your habitual responses and speak more from the heart. Teach caregivers strategies for making connections with the people with whom they are in contact and know that the appropriate sentiment for the occassion will likey arise.

Since this study has been making the rounds, I’ve been glanced at askew more than once. When I hold Lilah’s hand and ask “Is there anything you need, darlin’?” her eye contact and mustering of a smile tells me she values our friendship, nicknames and all. When I call Rose my beautiful blossom she lights up and fills a room with her smile. When call Helen “sweetness” and stroke her face, this has a positive effect on her health, of that I have no doubt. On the other hand, when I speak with Ruth it’s obvious that lovey dovey is not her style. She prefers to be called by her first name. Mr. Livingston prefers a more formal interaction and Bob loves to flirt. And the time I spend with these friends is not paramount! This is visiting time for me within the realm of my career and personal life. Connecting from the heart does not require more time. In fact, I can probably get away with spending less time, because the loving energy I leave lingers beyond the physical interaction.

So take any and all information (even this post!) for what it’s worth to YOU. Don’t get caught up in rules that, when it comes down it, are all pretty arbitrary in the first place. Lead with your heart, listen with love and become familiar with what it’s like to connect, really connect with someone.

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Natalie Elder Insights

Your mind races anxiously to the future. It basks in the comfort of the past. How will we cope? What does this mean for everyone involved? How will I feel when they no longer know me?

It would be unusual to not have a reaction like that to news that indicates your beloved parent/spouse/sibling/friend is facing this profound change.

But where do you go from there? After the realization, the procsessing, the shock. All too often, people don’t move past the sadness they feel. This has dire consequences for……………………everyone.

Tension increases, patience is tried, depression, loneliness and hopelessness prevail.

Once enjoyable visits focus on what isn’t there anymore and become burdensome. Guilt creeps in.  Resignation. “This is how it is”, you tell yourself. “I can’t change it”.

It’s not this truth that creates your sadness. In fact, it’s this truth than can bring you peace, if you let it.

You have the power to choose how you approach this. When you begin to question your choice of feeling bad about dementia, you can begin the process of understanding that you can feel good, I mean really really good, about it.  There are gifts in everything we experience. It’s up to you to seek out those gifts.

This may feel like an insurmountable voyage at this point. It’s not.

I’m not going to suggest you take this “one step at a time” as convention wisdom tells us. I’m going to suggest you approach this with all the strength of your being.

You choose your thoughts. You have the power to change your current choices.

How is feeling bad serving you? Others? What benefits are derived from being devastated?

Please consider these questions from the point of view of your highest consciousness.  You have the love and wisdom within you to create peace in all areas of your life.  You have the ability to shine your light and model this for others.

Here’s one way to shift your feelings:

• Assess your current feelings/reactions/fears about this situation. Assess, don’t analyze.  Be real.
• Close you eyes, as you feel your way through this.
• If you feel like you’re about to cry, attune to the energy that is moving through your body just before the point of tears. 
• Follow the energetic sensation with your full attention. Leave no room for thought.
• Stay there until you have fully accepted this energy as part of  you.
• Now take a deep breath and state, aloud, your new intention.

Stay with it. Write it, record it, read it daily!  Be kind to yourself, let your kindness flow to others.

For more ways to create and retain a frame of mind that will naturally guide you through this and all the challenges you face in your life, visit Ageless-Sages.com.

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Natalie Expand Your Comfort Zone with Elders

As we get older and the patterns of communication we have with our parents might feel like a law of physics: An irresistible force meeting an immovable object.

If your relationship with your elder parent continues to bring frustration and you’d prefer it didn’t, what can you do to change the pattern?

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea of creative deconstruction.  What’s not working that you haven’t previously considered? Do you engage in the same types of conversation time and again? Why would you expect the outcome to be different?

Do you think the other person “needs to change”? What needs to change within you so that you don’t  have the need for someone else to change?

Changing the laws of physics is not possible. Changing the equation, however, is.

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Natalie Elder Insights

It’s called a Blog Carnival and you can access several posts geared to the issues that are important to you!

Blog Carnival Click Here

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This is all you need to know. Ever.

Ruth Hamilton’sVlog

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Natalie Elder Insights

This time of year we hear a lot about resolutions, what’s ahead for us, how to move forward. Today I had a conversation with a dear friend and colleague, founder of Lead Your Life, LLC, Diane Krause-Stetson. She informed me that her plan for the new year was to look backward. Instead of going for the next hot concept, the myriad innovative ways people will sell us on how to create a business/have a happier life/, she’s decided to put a moratorium on finding new things.  She’s perusing her bookshelves and files and workbooks to look for the nuggets of wisdom that she may have overlooked in the past.

It’s a brilliant idea and one we don’t think of often enough.  Other than learning about brand new technology that comes along, there really isn’t a whole lot of new information out there. It’s the same ideas recycled, repackaged, retold in ways that can strike us differently depending on the day, the time, the circumstances of our lives.

Besides, the amount of information we are capable of processing at one time is finite.  You know how you see or experience something new each time you watch a movie or visit the same place? Imagine all that was overlooked the first time you read “Love is the Killer App” or “Permission Marketing”. Even reading “Lavender Ladies” will reveal something new each time.

So this new year, I’m looking back.  Back on my bookshelf, back in my video cabinet, back to my files on my hard drive to discover the gold that I passed by the first time.

I’ll let you know what I learn.  And I’ll ask Diane for her list, as well.

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Natalie Elder Insights