Unconditional Acceptance
I wrote about this last week, however this is such a rich topic that shows up so frequently in our lives, yet we are scarcely aware of it.
When I was coaching parents and developed the UnParenting Paradigms, I had no idea that what I had really developed were overall relationship paradigms. Parent/Child, Romantic, Elder/Adult Child, Friendship, Student/Teacher, etc. etc.
So here is the paradox of unconditional acceptance:
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a dear friend who observing her mother as she exhibits more and more signs of dementia. It’s not a secret that there are behaviors her mother has had for years, unrelated to dementia, that my friend has never been able to accept. She will complain about her mother time and again and it only intensifies as her mom gets older, possibly because the behaviors are more pronounced, or my friend is incredulous that her mother can still behave this way, or perhaps it’s noticing the lost opportunities to ever experience her mother in a different way.
Ok, still with me?
Would you say she is accepting her mother? No, obviously there is something that is preventing her from full acceptance, no doubt something that was imprinted years ago. Possibly something in her mother’s behavior triggers something within herself that she doesn’t feel all that great about, but that’s another story. And I’m a coach, not an analyst, so I’ll stay away from that.
(I’m about to reveal one of the paradoxes.)
All the while I’m listening to her story of who her mother is, how it affects her and why she wants it to be different, I’m posing questions and invitations to look at it another way, and….. I’m not accepting my friend! Oh sure, as her friend I am hoping to offer alternative perspectives and allow my friend to reflect, HOWEVER……..at some point I realize I am judging her and her behavior. How do I know I’m judging? Because I hear my thoughts say “Oh, if only she would let go of those preconceived notions she has of her mother and be more present with her.”
So I ask you, is that accepting?
No.
Does it mean I can’t offer some suggestions or point out some observations?
No.
It’s all in the underlying motivation. Why would I offer suggestions or make observations? Is it because she expressed an interest or is it because I have not learned to accept that she thinks the way she does?
I found this revelation so fascinating and exciting because the more I accept people for who they and for the path they are on, the less I am bogged down. Make no mistake, judgment thinking bogs you down. It clutters your mind with “I know-s” and “If only-s”. It leaves little room for possibility and peace.
So if possibility and peace appeal to you, begin to take note of the conversation you’re having in your head about others. When you find something that you recognize as non-acceptance, immediately flip it to one of acceptance. Simply state to yourself, as if you’re having a revelation, making a statement of fact. “Oh! Karen pays her bills late and is ok with it!” And let it be. You might not be comfortable paying your bills late, and that’s fine, too. But Karen doesn’t have to be made wrong or bad because of her choices.
Ann Landers said it simply and directly. MYOB.
